What Is Up In The House of Love!!

Short summary of the last few days:

Saturday: Went to a business dinner with Dylan~ very diverse and educated couple. It was a fabulous evening, and we even did a little missionary work.

Sunday: Went to Sacrament and came home~ I have been having terrible migraines and I just wasn't ready to face everyone yet. Had a dinner invite to Sara and Dave's started to head over to their house, when I started freaking out, litterally freaking out over a comment Dylan made about not wanting to go to the Doctor with me. I was hysterical~ Dylan drove around the block a few times telling me to calm down, but of course I was on one, so when Sara called to see if we were coming he made some smart A comment about me feeling sorry for myself and we wouldn't be ccoming. Yeah, that went over like a brick in the toilet. I hope Sara and Dave will forgive us. Finally, by nights end and lots of counsel from my go to gal- you know who you are- and my mother- and a sit down heart to heart with my husband, who bless his heart doesn't know how to handle this, all was better.

Monday: 1st thing in the morning we got a phone call letting us know that Keith, the store manager for Dylan's Austin store (he has been in a coma for the last week) passed away. Dylan was pretty shook up. They had been good friends. Then it was the trip to the Doctors where I knew the inevitable would happen. Temp nurse, no one filled her in about the miscarriage, so she comes in congratulating me on my pregnancy. That was like a slap in the face and the story of my life. I was furious, because I just knew that was going to happen. Thankfully, that Doctor came in and smoothed everything over. Finally, info I needed to hear. Too bad I had to wait a week to hear it. We finished out the day taking Claire to Spiderwick Chronicles, something tells me the book is better, and it was too SCARY for Claire.

There's my last few hormonal days. We are all still alive. In, fact I think we are all feeling better. Here's to getting back to normal.

Why Do We Have To Be So Different?

Warning: This blog is still in the weird, probably needs psychiatric help phase. Don't take anything I say too seriously. I really do know why we have to be so different, please humor me. I need some humor. What are these crazy emotions that have been surging through my body for the last few days??? And where are they coming from? The night that we spent in the ER my husband was perfect, he said the right things, he did the right things, he knew exactly what I needed. Now its like we are aliens that don't even speak the same language. Why?

Last night when he got home I blew up at him and wouldn't talk to him, and then I was mad that he wouldn't talk to me. I am definately not in my right mind. So this morning I woke up and asked if we could just talk, because we really haven't since 3:30 a.m. Tuesday morning. Of course the inevitable happened. Those words every woman dreads, but she brings on herself, "So what do you want to talk about." Oh, I don't know honey, maybe the flowers growing in the garden, or the tire on your car looks a little low, but definately not the crisis I have been living with for the last three days.

So after I calmly (yeah right) explain what I would love to discuss with him, he says, "You know how I am, if its something I can't do anything about I forget it and move on. Thats just me." Of course I read into that, "Sarah you should be the same way, its just easier." Why do I feel like I am beating my head against a brick wall? Where's the honey, I completely understand, and let me clear my own dishes after dinner. If you need to cry its okay, I'll take the day off so you can cry on my shoulder.

Sorry, that's my selfish make believe world I have been wanting to live in. Men are so task oriented, I wish that I could just push these emotions away and move on with life. Instead I am sitting here replaying everything that could have been different, hypothesizing over things that really are not in my control, being angry and bitter, and probably experiencing every conciveable thought, feeling or emotion.

Yesterday, while talking to my mother on the phone, she made a small comment that I know she did not intend to be mean, but I seriously obessed about it all day and went so far as going and getting all my hair chopped off(seriously all of it) because I thought I would feel better, like I had a new life or something. Chopping your hair off when your 28 years old does not do anything to get back at your mother. We don't even live in the same state, why would she care. I didn't work, obviously no logic in my thinking. I was still upset about the comment when I went to bed last night.

Okay, maybe this post isn't about why men and women are so different, it just about me being screwed up right now. I am moving on, it's just at a slower pace than Dylan. I left the house yesterday. I have plans to do the same today. I know as with any trial that I have faced that I just take more time to get over things.

Giving Dylan some credit, the poor dude has been put through the wringer this week. From pulling an all nighter with me Monday night and then having to go to the store Tuesday, because no one else was going to be there, and then as he was walking out the door to come home last night he got a call from the security place for the Austin store, someone hadn't locked the door and the alarm was going off. He couldn't locate the manager and finally found one of the other employees, then the bad news came. The store manager in Austin had had a grand mal seizure the night before and because of it was in a coma and they are not sure he is going to make it. So here Dylan is wondering how he is going to run the store in Austin, and worrying about how his good friend who has a wife and kids might die, and he comes home to a freakshow. That's why men have to be different, they have to compartmentalize. I am glad they do. Otherwise it would be two freakshows in the house, poor Claire.

Okay, enough crazy for one day.

I have a little sanity left and if you happen to see a crazy lady running around Walmart today, you'll know its just me. :)

Please Forgive the Drama

I don't know where to begin. I feel very foolish, but like Jannette keeps telling me, blogging is cheaper than therapy. Which is so true. So here goes! This is for me more than anything. Last week I went on blogging sabbatical, because I was so excited that we were pregnant I just couldn't handle it, but Dylan didn't want me to blog about it until we had told his parents. So being the blabbermouth that I am I just knew that blogging was out of the question for the week. Grandma and Grandpa came and visited this weekend and we got to tell them. So, finally yesterday, I could post, but maybe I should have waited.

Last night we spent the night in the ER. I had had light spotting last week for a day and a half, and then it started up again on Sunday. Last Wednesday and Thursday I also had terrible cramping on my right side. I called the nurse concerned, as I had not experienced this with my other pregnancy. The nurse told me all sounded normal, but if anything got worse to come in. Well, by Thursday the spotting and cramping had subsided. I thought we were free and clear.
Sunday, when I started spotting again, I didn't think too much of it, because the nurse had said many women spot early on in their pregnancies. But. . . . last night when I got ready to go to bed and I went to the bathroom, there was RED blood, not a lot, like I needed a pad or anything, but enough to concern me. I told Dylan and he said I better call the Doctor in the morning. I went to bed crying and worrying and praying. Asking Heavenly Father to let me know what to do. About an hour later I went to the bathroom again and still the same bleeding. I just kept hearing in my head, "Go to the hospital," I felt dumb. I didn't want to wake Dylan up, I didn't want to go to the hospital and have them tell me that I am just a hypochondriac, like the nurse pretty much told me. But I felt that I HAD to go.

So we went at 12:15 a.m. I kept telling Dylan that I was sorry for making him take me. I felt so bad. We were so blessed that Dylan's parents weren't leaving until this morning, so we didn't have to worry about Claire last night, we could just leave.

The ER was great. They got us right in, and I loved the ER doc. Great bedside manner, and matter of factness, that I truly appreciated. He told us that this could be totally normal, or it could be bad and he wouldn't know unless he looked at everything to find out. So he did a pelvic, which looked hopeful. They took blood and urine, and did two ultrasounds. The ultrasounds took forever!!!!

At 3:00 a.m. the Doc came in to tell us that they could not find a baby on the ultrasound and that my hormone level was an 11, when it should be in the 1000's by now. He said there was a small chance that I was just not far enough along to be able to see the baby, but because my hormone level was so low, its more than likely that I have miscarried. He told me to go in and see my Doctor in 2 to 3 days and have another blood test to confirm one way or the other.

Unfortunately, I had had this feeling ever since last week. I even conveyed it to Dylan and we both pushed it off as me just being my usual worrying self. Like I said, I am writing this for me. I need to hear these words. I know this is sad and dramatic for all. I don't want to look like I thrive on this stuff. I don't. It's so sad that the one thing I stayed up worrying about all night, is that I posted that blog yesterday, and how dumb I was going to look now, and how I told the Relief Society and now everyone will know. I feel so stupid. I think getting over my pride has been the hardest part. That shows how selfish I am.

I completely understand that things happen for a reason, and that this is part of Heavenly Father's plan, I can accept that. The part I can't accept is having to face the world. I care more about saving face, than a baby!!! Sick and wrong. So here I am facing the world. Mom you always told me to eat my frogs first. I got the hard stuff done, now I'm going back to living my life and taking a few days to just hold and love the daughter that I have, and the WODNERFUL husband I have been blessed with. I never give my husband enough credit, but he truly is my rock, the man makes me stronger.

Thank You for all your love and support and from this point forward, I choose to use just a little more discretion in my life. Next time it might save me just a little heartache. Love You All!!