Feels Like We've Been to the Moon and Back: Part 1

Post edit:

This post was written some time ago.  Almost a year ago. . . I feel silly sharing it, but for me and my posterity I want to document the whole story.  Feel free to join me on the ride of my miraculous pregnancy over the next few days. . .  

Part One:

I've been wanting to do this for a while.  I just haven't let myself.  The emotion is too real, and sometimes I think my feelings are silly. 

I am also stuck in a world of non-belief.  When you want something so bad for so long and you've even started to come to grips with it never happening. . . it's very hard to accept it as reality when it happens.

Let's pick up where I last left off.  School started and we were here in Houston and nothing had gone as planned.  I really was at peace with life.  My husband thought I was crazy because I felt totally at peace not having found a teaching job.  I just knew things would work out.  I began doing things I had been wanting to do for so long, but couldn't because I was working. 

I met a great friend and started walking in the mornings with her.  She also is fighting the infertility battle.  Her strong sweet spirit every morning is what I needed.

I started a weekly Book of Mormon class with some amazing women from church.  It felt so good to DIG into the scriptures and be fed spiritually by women who had so many more life experiences than little old me. 

I took time to focus on the individual needs of my family and how to make our little apartment feel like home.

All the while still interviewing and searching for a teaching job.

The month of September was BLISS!!!! 

First week of October, Dylan was away on business and Claire and I enjoyed our girls week.  My unpredictable womanly cycle was being unpredictable again.  Much to my husband's chagrin I bought ANOTHER pregnancy test.  (He hates that I almost monthly am buying pregnancy tests. . . but he was out of town. . . he would never know right?) 

Claire is now old enough to know what message those little sticks give and when we arrived home she followed me into the bathroom. I was expecting the same answer I have recieved for the last eight years. Instead this is what we saw almost immediately. . .

The moment I read the results I began chanting over and over, "oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh!"

Claire then begins asking a million questions like, "Mom, what does it mean?  Mom, is this bad?  Mom, are you okay?"

I tell her to look at the stick and tell me what a plus sign means.  she looks and says, "pregnant!!!!"

Quickly I take a picture and text it to Dylan who is hanging out in a hotel room somewhere on the East coast.  He immediately calls me and says, "what's that supposed to mean?"  Ahhh, my husband, the man who has such tact and grace.  He was so nonchalant about the whole thing.  Excitement is not a part of his vocabulary. 

As a result of getting absolutely no excitement and every ounce of level headedness from my husband over the phone, I decided I needed to share this info with someone else who would give me a more positive response.  I immediately texted the photo to my bosom buddy Janie and we laughed and cried together. 

Next up: Reality sinking in. . . the timing of the whole situation left us scratching our heads. 

{Back to School} Things rarely turn out the way you plan.

 If you would have told me last year at this time that I wouldn't be going back to school this year, I would have laughed in your face.
  Things definitely did not follow what we thought was the perfect plan.  Move to Houston, I would find a job for this school year, we would buy a new house and start back to a life very similar to what we were living in  Dallas. 
Instead I have no job, we are still in a very small apartment and I just sent my only child off to school. 

I am excited that I got to come home and start the laundry and have morning television on that does not consist of the Disney Channel. 

My husband is not excited that I am not working and "contributing" to our goals. 

I know there is a reason things have not turned out the way we have planned, I just wish I knew what the reason was. 

I can hardly believe this little girl is 8 and starting third grade.  We had many fabulous adventures this summer and she was a bit hesitant to go back to school.  Especially since it was a new school with new people. 
Last week I asked her why she didn't want to go back to school and her response was, "because all you do is sit around and be hungry all day." 

She was very courageous this morning. 
Times are a changing.  We are ready for whatever hand we are dealt.  Bring it on!!!!

Life As A Single Parent. . . at least for the week.

The last few days have actually been a welcome change. Dylan left yesterday to go to Houston for his new job. Not saying its nice to not have him around, but then again, I guess that's kind a what I'm saying. :D

I'm sure he feels the same since, he's been hanging around the house since April 2009. Yesterday, I took the day off so I could take him to Love Field and enjoy the remainder of my mental health day A-L-O-N-E! Oh, how I miss the weekdays at home, ALONE. I remember just before Claire started preschool in 2008, thinking whatever will I do with myself, I'll have so much free time on my hands not having Claire around. Maybe, I'll take a golf lesson or something. Yeah, right. Someone had something else in mind.

Sorry, I veered off track there a minute. It was fabulous to be home when Claire came running in the door from school. We had a great time playing hide and seek when she got home. Followed up with pizza on the grill as dinner and reading Tiger Rising before bed. Followed up by TV time with my own shows, no fighting over the remote, and grading papers.

This evening was open house at my school, and I was feeling guilty for having to leave Claire ALL day and evening. Luckily, I have the BEST visiting teacher, who is watching her after school this week. She graciously let Claire spend the evening with her family and even fed me a gourmet Costa Rican dinner after my VERY long day at school today. Almost better than having a hubby at home :D

Dylan will be gone all week. He sounds like he is enjoying training and is looking forward to getting out in the field and working with customers. He made me laugh yesterday when he said, "I think this is the first time I've worked for a business that has a human resource department." It is, he's always worked small business. I kept telling him he didn't know what he was missing.

So, things are looking up here at the Rager household. Can't wait for Spring Break next week. Just wishing I could be whisked away somewhere exotic, but I will gladly settle for a week of me and Claire time. It's been so long, and she is growing up way too fast.

Coincidence. . . I think not

Would you believe that exactly 9 months ago, Dylan was told to lock up the store, and our journey of unemployment would begin?

What a very long and difficult journey it has been. In fact it was just yesterday, I was crying on the phone to Janie-- I just can't handle anymore.

I am happy to report that our journey through the dregs of unemployment has officially reached its end.

I still am struggling to process it. It seems so unreal. But real it is.

Dylan received an offer today. A job that suits him almost perfectly. Something that was placed in our path.

Thank you to all of our friends and family who have been such a strength and support during this time.

It's just a linen closet

photo courtesy: Martha Stewart Website

Martha states,

"In the ideal linen closet everything is visible. Everyday items are easy to reach, and seasonal items, such as baskets of beach towels, are on the top and bottom shelves. It saves time to group linens according to size and the room they're used in; the stacks are spaced apart, which allows linens to breath and allows you to find what you need easily."

Unfortunately, I came down with a nasty bug Thursday evening, and I've been under the weather. Not fun.

Even more not fun, being home when your husband decides he's going to clean and rearrange the linen closet.

If you can't stand anal retentive people, please stop reading NOW! I am anal retentive and you will officially hate the monster that I am by the end of this post.

Now, initially the linen closet would not cause disharmony in my home. While we have been known to argue over the "proper" way to fold towels, never before has the linen closet been the cause of contention.

Before I begin, a few facts you must know:

*my husband was raised in a house full of boys, who were in charge of their own laundry (don't get me wrong, his mother educated him on proper folding and storage technique, he just decided that technique doesn't matter, technique takes too long.)
*I used to pride myself in being a domestic goddess
*I can no longer claim that title, but I think my husband officially can :o)
*I have been known to have minor freak outs/panic attacks when things aren't in order
*No I have not been clinically diagnosed yet

Friday morning, feeling as though I am on deaths door, lying on the couch with a 102 temp and my husband says, "oh, yeah, I've been meaning to clean out this hall linen closet." (Definitely one of the the selling features in my home, I ♥ good storage spaces-- don't mess w/my storage spaces.)

In my fever induced stupor, I moan, "Anything you want dear."

Five minutes later, in a moment of clarity I realize what has just occurred. All my white folded linens were just piled into an old plastic comforter bag and thrown to the top of my linen closet. I swear I heard a, "bombs away!" as they flew to the top shelf.

I find myself, craning my neck to see where he places every last washcloth, and dictating his every move. Even worse, when he leaves to carry towels to the upstairs linen closet I sneak over to refold and replace things. When I hear him coming I fly back to the couch and commence my moaning.

I sound despicable don't I.

Eventually we argue. Of course we did. Here he was helping out and I was undermining everything he was doing. Unfortunately, I do that a lot. Not one of my best features.

As we argue I blame him. I blame, that he has changed every aspect of my life blah, blah, blah. I can't even have my linen closet the way I want anymore, blah, blah, blah.

He argues that I am not grateful. In my heart of hearts I know he is right.

He is right, because moments earlier as I was experiencing a panic attack refolding the towels and moving sheets back to their rightful shelf, I was asking myself, WHY???? Why, am I home sick, and stressing over sheets on a shelf?

Going back to work has been one hell of an adjustment.

I know that I am not the only woman in the world going through this.

It's not his fault. Its not mine. Its not the President's.

It's life.

It's a linen closet. And bless his heart, he was doing it for me.

A few things I've witnessed in my husband in the last few months,

• He is one of the most versatile, roll with the punches people I know


• He is an AMAZING dad


• He is a great cook


• He can get ALL of the laundry done in one day. Meaning, washing, folding and putting away. A feat I could rarely accomplish by myself.


• He would do anything for anyone


• He has unshakable faith


• He continues to love me even when I am at my worst

I'm sure there's so much more, that I could have seen or noticed, but I have been too worried about how my towels were folded and the dust on my baseboards to realize. While I'm away, he's home putting together the pieces I leave behind every morning.

The tables have definitely turned. I can honestly say I have questioned why many times. I think I know at least one reason. So that I can chill out, and enjoy the beautiful blessings I have been given. First and foremost, one of the greatest husband's around.


Okay, enough sucking up. He doesn't even read my blog. Will one of you email this to him. I'm sick, and want to sleep in my own bed now. :D

There's One In All Of Us

I remember being a kid and my mom telling me to change my clothes,

I looked like a weirdo.

I remember wondering what was wrong with what I was wearing.

Still to this day I stress about every outfit.

Fashion sense is definitely not my forte.

This kiddo has those same jeans!!!

Part of me wants to let her embrace her originality.

Another piece, just wants her to look normal when we go out into public?

Your opinion? We are dying to take Claire to see this.

One book Dylan and I LOVE.

The movie does not look disappointing.

It looks amazing!!!

A few weeks back we were invited to a Hot Dog roast and couldn't go.

Since then we have been promising to go to the woods and do one.

The weather doesn't like our promises and Claire has been quite annoyed by it.

So we made s'mores in the microwave and roasted hot dogs in the fireplace.

Not quite the same feeling,

but Claire was satisfied.

Claire is constantly saying,

"What can we do fun as a family?"
The other night her idea was make puppets.

This is her and Dylan's puppet show.

HILARIOUS!!!

She always keeps us laughing.

We are most definitely in the crazy face stage.

Which is perfect cause with the stress level around here

She is the comedy "RELIEF"

She and dad have a good thing going right now.

I often find myself, just a tinge jealous of their after school time.

I am just so glad that she gets to come home to someone after school.

They have their own little routine.

Practice piano, snack, clean room, play or watch some TV.

See that smile.

Kind of feel like its me every day.

Smiling most every day, even when its fake.

The stress has begun to take its toll.

I must admit it.

I wish I could report, that everything is perfect.

Its not.

Its hard.

While it may be getting easier in some aspects, like getting into a routine.

Other aspects seem to be getting harder.

Oh, to love the roller coaster of life.

Men are that they might have joy!!!

I'm still learning that part.

I have A LOT to learn.

Happy October!!!

I love this time of year!

My Body Is Screaming At Me

Once again, my body is giving me grief. So, this time I finally broke down and headed to the doctor. Thankfully, I found out that it was only my thyroid and not the other things I had been fearing. So, if you'd like to hear about just a little of the stress that might be contributing to my thyroid problems check here

My Summer List

I'm hoping for LOTS of thisand a

little of

THIS

But it looks like the above will be dictated by
THIS

I got the JOB
but with it comes
Summer Staff Development Classes

Say One More Prayer For Me. . . Spare Me Some Of Your Luck

I had an interview today for a permanent position for next year.

I felt it went well.

Extra prayers wouldn't hurt!!!

I Know You Won't Believe Me, But. . .

Dylan called me this morning

to tell me he got the

OFFICIAL CALL

to

lock up the store

IT IS FINALLY OVER!!!!!

Can one woman be so happy to hear that her husband is currently unemployed???

Things are well for us, and we know there is a brighter future for us

here in the

GREAT STATE

of

TEXAS

Call It What You Will. . .

Blessing/Burden

Call it what you will

On this the final day of March

Expecting store closure

The SAGA continues

I don't know if laughing or crying

is appropriate

Long story short

My husband still has a job

Once again we are in limbo

It stinks, but it doesn't

Oh, h-e-double hockey sticks I don't know anymore

Try it you might just like it

Just another random glimpse into my brain. Click here

Wives Of Entrepreneurs Club

HELP!!!!

I married a man who wants only to own his own business.

Sometimes I wonder if he wants that MORE than anything Else.

I need advice from women who are married to this kind of man.

All I want is a

STABLE job

with insurance and room to grow and move up.

Women-- I need to know how to be a supportive wife and a REALIST at the same time.

I am currently not doing a very good job.

I mean look at that guy-- what's not to love.

Phew!

The inevitable finally happened.

We got the dreaded call last night.

Treasurewood Furniture is no more.

I know we should be upset and worried,

but frankly we've been that for the last six months.

More than anything we are relieved.

We would ask all

to say a little prayer

that Dylan finds something soon.

Cause we love TEXAS and want to stay here.

For Andrea ♥♥♥

Someone told me I haven't been writing enough on my blog. Hmmmm Hmmmm. True, I haven't. I have been a slacker-- and a little busy. A week ago I was offered a full-time position with benefits at the place I've been serving coffee in the mornings. Dylan and I were readily enticed as we have been going through our share of the worldwide wealth distribution (or lack thereof) problem (that's for you Janette) This week I started full time. This week I will be ending full-time. Yes, I am officially a FLAKE. One of my pet peeves is people who flake out, and that has definitely been me over the past month.
My apologies to the whole world on that one. Thank you for your patience and continued support.

Here's the lowdown:
1. Dylan still has a job-- ?????
2. Sarah had a full time job, but is saying sayonara manana-- She'll still be serving coffee in the AM if you need a Cafe Mocha-- I make a mean steamer :D
3. Sarah got a new calling in the Relief Society Presidency-- sorry Mom, I thought I told you :D
4. Claire is really excited for Halloween tomorrow-- Sarah is sad she has to miss the preschool Halloween party.
5. Janie has been awesome watching Claire and is definitely the next best thing to family.
6. Dylan's birthday is Saturday. This is the first year that Sarah has not planned out and purchased his gift at least a month in advance-- I told you I have been a flake this month-- do you think he'll forgive me???
7. Sarah doesn't know what to do for her most fabulous husband, who cleaned the house while she was at Presidency meeting tonight, for his 31st birthday-- another gift card to the golf course?????
8. Sarah is sick of feeling guilt ridden because of her desire to be a mother and wanting to take care of her family--- If you didn't go visiting teaching or didn't get visit taught this month-- or if you don't know what visiting teaching is-- I have included this month's message-- please take the time to read it-- I am tired of living in a world of mixed messages.
Regardless of our financial status right now, I feel that home is the place that I need to be. I am not lazy, I am not avoiding work. I am doing the Lord's work. I am raising a child, taking care of a home, creating and designing, and I am fine with being JUST a stay at home mom. I am okay with the tight financial spot we are in-- I have faith that we have done the best we can and we will continue to work hard and things will be okay. I truly do. To some of you this may sound silly or stupid. To me it makes perfect sense.

I know who I am: I am a daughter of God who loves me and I love him. I will stand as a witness of him at all times and in all places.

Gender Is an Essential Characteristic of Eternal Identity and Purpose

Ensign, Oct 2008, 67
Teach the scriptures and statements that meet the needs of the sisters you visit. Bear testimony of the doctrine. Invite those you teach to share what they have felt and learned.

The First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve Apostles: “All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose” (“The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” Liahona, Oct. 2004, 49; Ensign, Nov. 1995, 102).

Why Is Gender Essential?

Elder David A. Bednar of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles: “[Gender] in large measure defines who we are, why we are here upon the earth, and what we are to do and become. For divine purposes, male and female spirits are different, distinctive, and complementary. … The unique combination of spiritual, physical, mental, and emotional capacities of both males and females were needed to implement the plan of happiness” (“Marriage Is Essential to His Eternal Plan,” Liahona, June 2006, 51; Ensign, June 2006, 83).

Julie B. Beck, Relief Society general president: “As spirit daughters of God, women ‘received their first lessons in the world of spirits and were prepared to come forth’ (D&C 138:56) on the earth. They were among the ‘noble and great ones’ (D&C 138:55) who ‘shouted for joy’ (Job 38:7) at the creation of the earth because they would be given a physical body with the opportunity to be proven in a mortal sphere (see Abraham 3:25). They wished to work side by side with righteous men to accomplish eternal goals that neither can attain independently. Female roles did not begin on earth, and they do not end here. A woman who treasures motherhood on earth will treasure motherhood in the world to come” (“A ‘Mother Heart,’” Liahona and Ensign, May 2004, 76).

What Can I Do Because of My Role in Heavenly Father’s Plan?

Margaret D. Nadauld, former Young Women general president: “Women of God can never be like women of the world. The world has enough women who are tough; we need women who are tender. There are enough women who are coarse; we need women who are kind. … We have enough women of fame and fortune; we need more women of faith” (“The Joy of Womanhood,” Liahona, Jan. 2001, 18; Ensign, Nov. 2000, 15).

Elder M. Russell Ballard of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles: “The premortal and mortal natures of men and women were specified by God Himself. … [Sometimes women] ask: ‘Is a woman’s value dependent exclusively upon her role as a wife and mother?’ The answer is simple and obvious: No. … Every righteous man and woman has a significant role to play in the onward march of the kingdom of God. …
“… My dear sisters, we believe in you. We believe in and are counting on your goodness and your strength, … And we believe that God’s plan is for you to become queens and to receive the highest blessings any woman can receive in time or eternity” (“Women of Righteousness,” Liahona, Dec. 2002, 36–37; Ensign, Apr. 2002, 66–69).