Feels like we've been to the moon and back: A Pregnant Pause {Conclusion}

Warning:  This post is LONG. . . and contains details regarding labor and birth.  If you are not comfortable with sitting for long periods of time or hearing juicy birth stories then this post is not for you.  You have been warned.

I am a perfectionist and when I need to complete something that is important to me and I want it to be perfect I’m usually paralyzed. . . until I finally convince myself to just get it over with. Does that ever happen to you?  That’s probably why it’s taken me so long to get this done. . . ok and the fact that I now have an almost 8 month old keeping me up all night a busy all day.

 I love Callie’s birth story and I want more than anything to document it for her.  We are a story telling family.  Claire LOVES to hear stories from our past and I have a feeling she will make sure her little sister will too.  This is why I want to make sure I do this story justice.  Not because it’s particularly amazing, but because I know it’s a story my girls will cherish throughout their lives.  Claire, someday I’ll get around to trying to remember all the happenings of your special day and get them down on the proverbial paper too.



 

Let’s start where I last left off.  I was teaching full time and enjoying the fun and challenging kids at my school.  I kept getting bigger and bigger and my students kept asking what would happen if I had the baby at school.  I knew that the likelihood of going into labor at school was miniscule and I would constantly reinforce this to my students.  Eighth graders get obsessed with the weird and crazy things in life.  That being said. . . as the days of school counted down I began to wear out and start to worry too. 

With each midwife visit Callie was measuring big and we had a feeling she would be early.  Claire was two weeks early and we had a feeling this lady would be early too.  I was having consistent Braxton hicks every afternoon and I knew the time was drawing near.  My due date was June 6^th . . . which happened to be the last day of school too.  I knew that come June 6^th there was no way in the world I wanted to be at that school. . . physically or emotionally.  I went to the principal’s secretary and said baby or no, I will not be in the last week of school.  We made arrangements and all was good. Or so I hoped.

 

Sunday, May 26^th contractions started at around six in the evening and were becoming consistent and closer together.  By 9:30 I texted the midwife my contraction log and she suggested I try getting some sleep and to let her know if things progressed any further.  Not the answer I wanted to hear.  I wanted her to say come right in.  I’m glad she didn’t say that now, but at the time I was disappointed.  I texted Janie who lives 4+ hours away in Dallas and let her know what was happening.  She was planning on being my support person during the birth.  Let’s face it I was scared to death to have a natural birth and Dylan was too.  I knew Janie would be able to think clearly and help me reason when I wanted to give up.  Bless her heart she dropped everything and started the  four hour drive to Houston.  By the time she arrived at 2:30 a.m. all contractions had ceased.  I had actually had good sleep and didn’t hear her knock or call.  She slept in my parking lot in her car.  Waiting for me.  When I woke at four and realized I missed her I felt terrible. 

Monday, May 27^th, Memorial day Janie and I tried every trick in the book to try and get things started again.  Lunges, squats, stairs, pumping, etc.  Contractions would come, but then they would taper off and end.  That afternoon, Janie packed up and headed back to Dallas and I felt totally and utterly defeated.  I felt horrible because she had come all the way here for nothing.  I also felt horrible because I had had my hopes up and I just did not want to go back to work the next day.  Jackie, my midwife, texted and said for sure she thought I would have texted to say it was time.  We were all disappointed. 

The next day I went to school.  I had my midwife appointment that afternoon and they stripped my membranes and said they really thought the baby could come anytime.  On the way home from the midwife my contractions became very intense.  I picked up Claire from the sitter hopeful I’d have to drop her back off in a few hours so we could go have a baby.  True to form though, Miss Callie kept the contractions going most of the evening and then settled down for bed.  That night I texted the secretary at work and told her I would not be back in, that they expected the baby to come anytime.  The waiting game began in earnest.

Wednesday morning I received a text from the midwife inquiring if the membrane stripping had worked.  I told her what had happened.  She said she really thought baby was ready and I was too.  We were both puzzled.  She said that I could try some castor oil if I wanted to.  I had heard horror stories and was afraid to try it, but I wanted this to be done.  Most women can relate. . . there comes a point in pregnancy when you. are. done!!!!!!  I was there.  I tried the castor oil and one small bout of diarrhea and then nothing.  This was now turning into a sick joke.  The rest of the week ticked on and I felt ridiculous for bailing out of work when there was no baby in sight. 

Tuesday, June 4^th arrived and it was time for another appointment.  Still no baby.  I was in mourning and deep depression at this point.  (Looking back it cracks me up because I was not even to my due date yet!!!! I’m a dramatic idiot.)  The midwife stripped my membranes again, sent me home with some primrose oil  capsules to take and said hope we hear from you in a few hours, otherwise I want to see you on your due date.

Thursday, June 6^th.  My due date.  The last day of school.  I headed to my appointment at 9 a.m. On the way I saw the most beautiful cloud in the shape of a heart and stopped to take a picture of it.  I had hoped it was a good omen or something.  A friend commented later that the cloud looked like a baby.  On close inspection I saw a baby too.  It was a quiet morning at the office, no one else had arrived.  Jackie met me early and for a quick visit before she headed to the island for the day to see patients.  We both sat and scratched our heads as to why this baby had not made an appearance yet.  She stripped my membranes yet again and stretched my cervix a little hoping that might do something. By now I was dilated to almost a five and fully effaced.  I had been that way for a week and both of us had resigned that baby was not coming. 

I headed home defeated.  On my way home the contractions began again and thinking it was the same as before I became very frustrated and started to get mad.  I was sure it was the same old thing.  I was home by 10 a.m. and the contractions were still consistent.  By 11 I had a feeling I needed to call Dylan.  I called him and I cried.  I told him I wanted him to come home but I felt stupid if it wasn’t really happening again.  I called Janie and told her Dylan was on his way and she said she was dropping her kiddos off and she would be on her way too.  Dylan was home in 20 min.  I decided to eat a bowl of yogurt and pineapple and the contractions were staying pretty regular.  In fact while I was eating lunch and talking to Dylan, I had to stop and catch my breath a few times.  I still felt like it definitely wasn’t time.

It was a half day of school and I had promised my friend I would pick up Claire and her girls from school so they could play at my house for the rest of the day.  It was time to get the girls from school so Dylan went to pick them up.  The moment he walked out of that door a contraction came with such force I thought I wanted to curl up and die.  I called Dylan and told him he had to come right back.  I called my friend Angie and told her she had to get the girls.  I texted the midwife and said that we were heading to the birth center.  She was still in Galveston but another midwife was at the birth center seeing patients.  Jackie said she was leaving Galveston and said she would meet us there. 

The contractions on the way to the birth center were intense.  VERY INTENSE.  True to my life, a funny thing happened on the way to the birth center. . . we got lost.  I had driven there from the direction we were coming several times, but Dylan never had because he always came from work.  I was delirious and out of my mind with debilitating contractions.   Dylan thought he knew where he was going.  So to make matters worse there may have been some crying and yelling and whipping out the GPS to get to the midwife. . . we were close. . . just not where we thought we were. 

When we finally arrived Camellia, another sweet midwife, was waiting for us and as we walked through the door  peace and calm overcame me.  We were escorted to our birthing room and relaxing music greeted us and a warm bath was running in the tub.   I quickly changed into my comfy nightgown and the contractions continued to intensify.  When I sat down on the bed I immediately felt like I was going to puke.  This was the one part I hated when I gave birth to Claire.  Throwing up during labor, I was not looking forward to it, but knew that it meant I was getting close.  I told Camellia that I thought I was going to throw up and she handed me a bowl.  Luckily, the wave of nausea quickly passed and I did not throw up. The contractions intensified.  Camellia asked if I wanted to get into the tub.  I remember thinking, “Really, I just changed my clothes and now you want me to change again!?!?!?” The thought of warm water sounded perfect and I changed into my swimsuit top and climbed in.  The contractions now intensified even greater. 

 

After climbing into the tub Marianne my other midwife arrived.  I had been working with Marianne and Jackie throughout my pregnancy and had got to know the other two midwives Camellia and Katy too.  I was so happy to see the woman that I had discussed my birth plan with and was completely put at ease as she explained what was going to happen.  It was at this point that I realized I was in transition and this baby was coming soon.  Marianne made sure that I received my antibiotics as I had tested positive for group b strep earlier.  It was during the administration of the antibiotics that the contractions started to become unbearable and at one point I felt my water break.  Soon after I knew it was time to push. 

You may be thinking, where was Dylan during all of this.  He was there, I could tell he wanted to help but didn’t know how.  At one point I remember trying to get comfortable after a contraction in the tub and he came to try to help me sit up and I told him to just get away from me.  I feel horrible about it now because when we were preparing for this moment I kept reiterating to him how I wanted and needed his support during labor and now when he offered I pushed him away.  I knew there was nothing he could do at this point to help.  They found him a stool to sit on at the end of the tub and he stroked my hair.  Man I love that guy.

 

Jackie arrived right when the time came to push and boy was I READY!!! I may have been a little overly dramatic, but man it was painful.  I was extremely afraid of tearing so just as I would make progress pushing I would get scared and back off.  Marianne asked if I wanted Jackie to take over and deliver and I remember saying, “I don’t care just get it out!”  I finally was able to get her head out but just could not get the shoulders out.  That was when they had me turn around in the tub to lean on the edge of the tub and push.  At this point they realized that the cord was around her neck and she needed to get out immediately.  I didn’t realize how serious the situation was, I just wanted her out.  I still was having no success pushing so they had me climb out of the tub . . . head between my legs and all. If I wasn’t the one having the baby I would have been laughing at the sight.  I got into a squatting position on the side of the tub and prayed and screamed with all my might as I finally pushed that stubborn little red headed girl out.  She was blue and not responding.  I was in a state of euphoria, happy it was over and happy to be holding my baby.  Not fully aware that the women around me were concerned and panicking about my blue baby.  While they administered oxygen to Callie, I held her and talked to her.  Finally we were able to get her to take a breath and start breathing.  It wasn’t until later talking with the midwives did I realize how serious things had become.  They jokingly said that they didn’t think they were going to have to call an ambulance for baby but maybe for dad who was sitting in the corner white as a ghost with tears streaming down his face. I can only imagine what it must have been like for Dylan to witness such a crazy scary scene. 

Once we were settled back in bed snuggling with our baby I remembered Janie who was on her way.  Dylan quickly called her to tell her what was going on but before he could say anything she told him she was an hour away and she was trying to get here as fast as she could.  He told her that the baby had already arrived and to take her time.

We arrived at the birth center at 12:45 p.m. and Callie was born at 2:15, an hour and a half.  Many prayers were answered; the biggest prayer was that my labor would be quick.  I knew that there was no way I could handle going through contractions like that for hours on end.  Kudos to all you mommas that have done it, you are all my heroes!!! 

Janie arrived around 4 that afternoon.  It was such a relief to see her.  I know she wasn’t there when Callie was born, but I could not have made it through this pregnancy without her.  She was amazing, always answering lots of questions and coaching me all the way.  It was her voice I heard telling me to breath and relax as I fought through each contraction.

 

  

8:30 that evening we were home and getting settled.  My friend Angie brought Claire by to meet her new baby sister.  Claire tried to act unimpressed, but I could see love on her face as she held this little miracle for the first time.

Callie was a big girl.  9lbs and 2oz.  She was 21 ¾ inches long.  Her stubborn nature has persisted throughout the last seven months.  Everything is done on her terms.  She loves people and is always ready with a smile for new faces.  Claire loves being a big sister and always comes to find Callie first thing each morning. 

This baby has been such a blessing in our lives.  She has made me realize that Heavenly Father truly does know what we need and when we need it.  Most of all he does hear and answer our prayers.  When I had lost faith and given up hope he showed me that all was not lost.  I am so blessed to be a momma to two sweet amazing girls. 

 

 

 

Feels Like We've Been to the Moon and Back: {Part Three} Going Against Everything I Ever Thought I Wanted in a Birth

This post took me a while to write and then to actually hit publish because, well, let's face it I care way too much about what other people think.  Way too much.  I know that this post may make me look naive or uneducated.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  There's a few things I believe.  First and foremost that having children is a very sacred responsibility.  Second, we can't always control the hand we're dealt and it's never our place to judge.  Third, and finally, at some point you just have to have faith and trust in God.  He knows us, He knows what we are capable of and His will and blessings for us are great if we do all that we can do!

Shortly after finding out about our pregnancy I was able to begin working as a long-term substitute for a nearby middle school.  Another amazing miracle.  I was hoping that this position would turn into something more permanent.  Health insurance was not included with substitute positions and having the hospital birth I wanted was going to be financially impossible without insurance.  I didn't know what to do.  I was frozen with fear.  I couldn't sleep at night because I didn't know how we were going to have this baby.  So I waited and waited and waited.

The reality of pregnancy began to kick in as the morning sickness arrived.  Working at a middle school and morning sickness is no fun.  Stinky teenagers sent me reeling daily.  Ginger Ale was my best friend. The parasite in my womb could not be ignored anymore.

I was new to the area and had no insurance.  I didn't know a good OB/GYN so I started asking around.  I received a few referrals and starting calling different doctors for self-pay pricing.  No one wanted me.  This was devastating. I felt like a second class citizen as I called doctor after doctor and no one wanted to take me as a patient after they asked the question, "and what insurance do you carry?"  To which I would reply that I was self-pay.  I would hear, fumbling around and then they would either say were are not taking new patients or be quoted astronomical prices and be discouraged from coming to their practice. 

I just kept waiting to find someone to go to.  I started to get a little depressed.  With my first child I knew who I wanted to see, I went in after being pregnant for six weeks and I was excited.  It wasn't like this with this baby.  I was scared.  

I also need to add, that with Claire, my first, I had a very traditional OB/GYN that I loved.  He was funny and had a great bedside manner.  I had decent insurance through work and so all options were on the table.  We took a birth class, I knew I wanted an epidural immediately and I knew what to expect.  I loved and trusted my Doctor and knew he would make the right decisions for me.  When Claire came everything went as planned and I was happy with my experience.  It was the kind of experience I wanted again.  Yet, with no insurance this time around, it was going to cost me $15,000 or more by the time it was all said and done.  

I knew this would destroy my family financially, but I still did not know what to do.  Having this baby was the blessing we had been asking for for so long, but we really did not believe it would happen.  The timing was just, ugh!!!!

My good friend had suggested I visit a midwife in my area that she had met.  I thought my friend was CRAZY.  A MIDWIFE!!! Me!!!!! No way!!!!!  Yet, as my pregnancy progressed I new I needed to make a decision.  I shopped around a little more and still was not happy with the way I was being treated and the $$$$$$ we were facing.  After calling the local hospital and being transferred from one person to the next I was DONE!!!!  I bit the bullet and called the midwife my friend suggested.  

As I spoke with the kind caring woman on the other end of the phone my heart and mind started to change and soften.  Mary, the office manager, willingly explained cost and procedure and made me feel like a mom trying to have a baby.  That probably sounds ridiculous.  After I had called so many places who made me feel like a low-life vagrant who got knocked up and had no insurance, talking to Mary is exactly what I needed.

I made an appointment to come and take a look and make a decision, although from the conversation I had with that angel on the phone, a decision had already been made.  That decision was affirmed when I met with the amazing Jackie at Bay Area Birth Center.  I knew this was the place for me.  

Over the next seven months I learned more about birth than I ever dreamed.  I learned more about myself too.  Reading, The Gift of Giving Life opened my mind and helped me understand that as women we are capable of so much, especially having babies.  However, you choose to have one.  

Next up. . . the story you've been waiting for. . . or not.

My birth story.

Short, sweet and to the point.

Feels Like We've Been to the Moon and Back: Part Two- Reality Sets In

"When you come to the edge of all that you know, you must believe one of two things:  either there will be firm ground to stand on, or you will be given wings to fly."

After eight years of hoping and praying for a baby we had reached our breaking point.  Our last experience made us believe it would take a lot of money or a miracle to have a baby. 

We felt like a baby was in our future and adoption just never felt right, but we weren't getting pregnant. 

After a lot of soul searching we figured our hang-up with adoption must just be us being afraid of the process and we decided to bite the bullet and start the paperwork. The week I discovered I was pregnant I had actually called LDS Social Services to pursue adoption.  When I only got a voicemail I got scared and hung up.  A few days later I found out I was pregnant. 

As stated in the previous post when we found out, we were in shock and we were happy and excited.  Dylan came home from his business trip and it still had not set in.  In fact even after Callie was home with us it took a while for it to really sink in. 

Reality of things however, quickly set in.  Here we were, in a small apartment in a rather scary place and I didn't have a job or insurance.  How in the world were we going to pay for and have a baby?  We were totally not prepared.  To make matters worse, right after we found out we were pregnant our apartment was robbed.

The robbery made us begin to doubt.  Getting pregnant was something we had prayed for daily for years and now we were questioning.  Looking back it seems so ungrateful that we questioned.  We just knew that there had been times in our lives when we felt we were more prepared to have this baby, but we knew that Heavenly Father had a plan.  We quickly realized that he would bless us beyond measure with this baby and he would help us. 

Many miracles happened throughout my pregnancy.  Most of them little miracles, but miracles nonetheless. 

One such miracle happened shortly after our good news. I found a long term substitute teaching job, that eventually turned into a full-time position. As a result of this job we could afford prenatal care and with the long term job insurance.

Initially I did not have insurance and did not know how we would do this without it. 

Next up: My choice to go against everything I ever thought I wanted or
in birth.

Feels Like We've Been to the Moon and Back: Part 1

Post edit:

This post was written some time ago.  Almost a year ago. . . I feel silly sharing it, but for me and my posterity I want to document the whole story.  Feel free to join me on the ride of my miraculous pregnancy over the next few days. . .  

Part One:

I've been wanting to do this for a while.  I just haven't let myself.  The emotion is too real, and sometimes I think my feelings are silly. 

I am also stuck in a world of non-belief.  When you want something so bad for so long and you've even started to come to grips with it never happening. . . it's very hard to accept it as reality when it happens.

Let's pick up where I last left off.  School started and we were here in Houston and nothing had gone as planned.  I really was at peace with life.  My husband thought I was crazy because I felt totally at peace not having found a teaching job.  I just knew things would work out.  I began doing things I had been wanting to do for so long, but couldn't because I was working. 

I met a great friend and started walking in the mornings with her.  She also is fighting the infertility battle.  Her strong sweet spirit every morning is what I needed.

I started a weekly Book of Mormon class with some amazing women from church.  It felt so good to DIG into the scriptures and be fed spiritually by women who had so many more life experiences than little old me. 

I took time to focus on the individual needs of my family and how to make our little apartment feel like home.

All the while still interviewing and searching for a teaching job.

The month of September was BLISS!!!! 

First week of October, Dylan was away on business and Claire and I enjoyed our girls week.  My unpredictable womanly cycle was being unpredictable again.  Much to my husband's chagrin I bought ANOTHER pregnancy test.  (He hates that I almost monthly am buying pregnancy tests. . . but he was out of town. . . he would never know right?) 

Claire is now old enough to know what message those little sticks give and when we arrived home she followed me into the bathroom. I was expecting the same answer I have recieved for the last eight years. Instead this is what we saw almost immediately. . .

The moment I read the results I began chanting over and over, "oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh!"

Claire then begins asking a million questions like, "Mom, what does it mean?  Mom, is this bad?  Mom, are you okay?"

I tell her to look at the stick and tell me what a plus sign means.  she looks and says, "pregnant!!!!"

Quickly I take a picture and text it to Dylan who is hanging out in a hotel room somewhere on the East coast.  He immediately calls me and says, "what's that supposed to mean?"  Ahhh, my husband, the man who has such tact and grace.  He was so nonchalant about the whole thing.  Excitement is not a part of his vocabulary. 

As a result of getting absolutely no excitement and every ounce of level headedness from my husband over the phone, I decided I needed to share this info with someone else who would give me a more positive response.  I immediately texted the photo to my bosom buddy Janie and we laughed and cried together. 

Next up: Reality sinking in. . . the timing of the whole situation left us scratching our heads. 

Have I Ever Told You. . .

How much I want just one more little miracle. 

That's my Christmas wish.

Fairies, Fertility, and Food

Last week I wrote about Claire and her loose tooth. She complained about it for over a week and Dylan and I kept telling her to just pull it.
She was deathly afraid.
I remember being that way too.
Finally, yesterday, after getting home from a ROOT CANAL, (ugh) I had had enough of Claire's whining about her tooth. I told her to let me see it. Being the mean mom I am, I reached in a pushed the dangling tooth backwards. Claire freaked, and the tooth got stuck sideways in between her other teeth. Blood was pooling in her mouth. We ran to the bathroom (because of course I didn't have enough foresight to pull this stunt in the bathroom), to mop up the blood with a Kleenex. She let me clean up the blood and finish the deed. When she finally saw the tooth she cheered. "Yea! I lost my tooth." When we asked if it hurt, she said no, that she just thought it was going to hurt.
She was excited for the tooth fairy. Dylan was too. The tooth fairy came early, before Dylan and I headed off to bed.
At 1:45 a.m. I awoke to Claire staring in my face. I was totally out of it because of the pain meds from my dental procedure earlier that day. Claire began crying. She was afraid of the tooth fairy. She said and I quote, "I felt a tickle on my bum and I know it was the tooth fairy." Dylan and I both chuckled. Dylan took her upstairs to her room to look and see if the tooth fairy came. Claire lifted the pillow and found a dollar. All was well, and we all got to go back to sleep.Surprisingly, the Tooth Fairy was not the only Fairy discussed yesterday. Not only did I have the pleasure of having a root canal on my day off, but I also had my yearly exam. The nurse mentioned that she was the Fertility Fairy for Halloween this last year. I thought this was a bit strange, but I also secretly wished she were the Fertility Fairy. Heaven knows I would love to rub shoulders with one of those. That being said, we are starting Clomid again. It's been awhile. Pray for us!!!!

Finally, Food. Do you like the menu I found prepared by Claire? This kid amazes me. She is reading and writing very well. Much better as a kindergartner than I did in second grade. Dylan and I are constantly in awe of all she knows.

Coming Up For Air

Whew!

What a week this has been.

I think I've been asked if I'm ready for school to start

a million times

the answer is

I better be

If I could describe this week in one word

it would be

hard

Harder than I ever expected

PMS-ing didn't add to the fact either :D

Oh, and Kinder orientation, only added to the hard part too.

She's no longer my little girl.

I feel like I am going to miss so much.

It all has gone so fast.

I would give anything to get the last five years back.

I really would.

Especially, not knowing

if this will be the only time I get to go through all these experiences.

Yes, there are benefits to only having one child.

But, there seems to be many more to having more than one.

I was not going to be the

"Boo hoo" parent,

and true to form

I am!!!!

We will be doing this

this weekend

I think I need to get

excited about school

more than

Claire.

Well, I'm off to dive down to the bottom again.

See you when I come up for air again!

My Body Is Screaming At Me

Once again, my body is giving me grief. So, this time I finally broke down and headed to the doctor. Thankfully, I found out that it was only my thyroid and not the other things I had been fearing. So, if you'd like to hear about just a little of the stress that might be contributing to my thyroid problems check here

I May Have Shed A Tear

We went through

Kindergarten Vaccinations today.

I don't remember it being that hard before.

This time, I think I almost cried.

It didn't help that I had to hold her down

and

she had to get 4 shots.

Of course, I told her buck up

cause she didn't want the kids in the waiting room

to see her crying.

On a funny note, here was our conversation on the way to get vaccinated. I don't know whether or not to think it was funny, or a little creepy.

Claire: "Mom, I need to go to Lowes."

Me: "Why?"

Claire: "I can't tell you."

Me: "I can't take you, unless you tell me."

Claire: "Well, I need nurses gloves."

Me: "What? Why do you need nurses gloves, and why do you think they have them at Lowes."

Claire: "I know they do. I need them to pull that baby out of you."

Hmmm, I should remember this for when she can't decide what profession she wants to go into years down the road.

p.s. I know I don't need to remind you all that Claire is almost more obsessed with us having a baby than I am. NO, THIS IS NOT AN ANNOUNCEMENT. When or if it ever is, I won't beat around the bush. I will shout it from the rooftops!!!

Deciding When. . .

Sunday afternoons at our house consists of "nap time". This is Me and Dylan's time to be ALONE-- regardless of what we are doing-- sleeping, talking, or whatever else. This means Claire has to go to her room and either take a nap or have quiet time. Today Claire was not keen on the idea of quiet time. In fact at one point she was sitting outside our bedroom door, crying and saying, "I just want someone to play with me!" It broke my heart.

It broke my heart, because when I had Sunday quiet time growing up, I had a brother and two sisters to quietly play barbies, monopoly or not so quietly fight with.

I'm reaching the point of not knowing what the next step is for us.

I want to hear from those of you that have adopted, what led you to take that route? Was there a stirring in your soul? How did you know you were ready to take that step?

For those of you who have done fertility treatments, how did you know it was worth spending so much on something that wasn't a sure thing? When do you know when to call it quits?

For those of you with only one child, or have been an only child, How did you know this was right for your family? That your child would be happy without siblings?

There are just so many questions that face me, and I feel the answers are all the same-- you'll know what's right for you and your family-- but all I've been feeling is the longing for a baby-- because mine is not a baby anymore and she would make the BEST big sister.

Please share your experiences, I really want to know what prompted you take the next step, regardless of what step you decided to take.

The Blessings of Infertility, and everything else

I know what your thinking-- aww, another post about Claire. I realize, lately all my post have been craft or Claire related. I wish I had time to sit down and write-- I miss that.

Sitting at work today, I was reading, (its been slow) The Mother In Me. (Yes, Janie I read the one you told me too-- and it inspired this post.) Where was I? I was reading this book, I've only read a handful of the essays and have liked most of them. While reading one essay in particular, entitled Tea Party Blessing, my thoughts started flowing and the essay really seemed to speak to me. Maybe, its because I could relate to this woman on a very personal level. My blog post began to form and here I am getting it all out once again.

This essay was about a mother-- with ONE child--- any ideas where this post might be heading? This mother was sick of getting asked the question, "Are planning on having anymore children?" In fact she was at a tea party and another guest pronounced a blessing upon this woman and promised her she would have a baby. She had had it with people and their silliness.

The rest of the essay is amazing, and what I needed to hear.

I too have been asked that question numerous times-- I've never cringed at it or felt bitter. While I long for another child, those questions don't seem to bother me. I too, have even been visiting with other women and have had women "promise me" that they know for a surety that I will have another baby. And like the woman in the essay, I want so desperately to believe.

The harsh reality is this- Claire is 4 and will be 5 in six months. We've been "trying" since she was one. We have been "really trying" since September of 2007. The results of "really trying" wasn't so great-- two miscarriages, life threatening ectopic, and the loss of a fallopian tube. Not to mention our lack of medical insurance.

Woooo, yep that last year was a doozy. Yet, for some strange reason, my husband and I are convinced that we need another child. Right now would be the worst possible time to have one. No insurance, financial situation with our family is not good, and the stability of Dylan's job is not good.

Luckily, I have great people and literature surrounding me that give me the reality check I need. Someone said to me last night, "Whatever is going to happen is going to happen whether you have a baby or not." Epiphany #1. Reading this essayat work today, talked about how she (the author of the essay) always focussed on not being able to have the blessing of a second child, rather than focussing on the blessings Heavenly Father has already given her. Epiphany #2.

So, this brings us back to that amazing little girl at the top of this post. While I would give anything-- and almost have-- to give her a little brother or sister, I really need to be living life with her right now. Whatever is going to happen is going to happen. Jobs will come and go, babies will come-- or they might not. Financially things are already tight, having a baby won't change that. But this precious gift is already here.

These are the decisions we have made TOGETHER as a couple. I say TOGETHER, because never before has Dylan cared about all this fertility stuff. This is the first time that he is pushing more than me. #1 We both feel we should have another child #2 I am taking my last dose of Clomid this month (I'd been saving it for a rainy day-- we decided the rainy day is here :D) #3 Whatever happens will happen and we will have faith enough to put it in Heavenly Father's hands.

My life has got to go on-- four years is enough torture-- I can't live my life on something that "might" happen. I have to live the life I have right now. I have to be grateful for ALL that I have been given-- not focussing on what I haven't been given.

So, if you missed the "real" Sarah-- I'm back, it just migh be in spurts-- live with it! :D

Due Date

When I flipped the calendar page yesterday, this stuck out like a sore thumb. I can honestly say I hadn't thought about it for a very, very long time. As look at it today, I must admit is stings just a little. But, I am very thankful that a little one is not entering our world of chaos right now, no insurance, job loss looming-- etc. Heavenly Father obviously has better foresight than we do. I hope this doesn't sound to, materialistic. I know that if I were having a baby right now everything would work out okay, I just know it would be pretty hard and not very fun-- stressful. Sorry to be Debbie Downer :( Tomorrow will be a fun and exciting tutorial on ribbon ornaments. See you then :D

I Don't Want To Jinx Myself, But . . .

I need to let it out. I have been overweight eight of the nine years we have been married. I'm not exaggerating either.
* Many factors have played a roll in this weight gain, it mostly started with me working evenings and us eating out late ALL the time and adjusting to married life.

*Our second year of marriage we faced a SERIOUS crisis-- that would change my life as I know it-- and send me into a emotional tailspin and I would see myself reach 200 lbs.

*Year three I graduated from college-- you can imagine what that last year of school was like, more stress on top of my already stressful life and no exercise-- except for walking to work in freezing cold REXBURG.

*Year four, first year teaching, first house, and pregnant FINALLY. I can honestly say that when I was pregnant, my body felt great and I truly felt the healthiest I had in a LONG time.
When all was said and done I gained 10 lbs during my pregnancy. I was definitely happy to let Claire feed off my body. After giving birth I lost another 10 lbs. But within months all the weight was back. I was back working and commuting and being a new mom.

*Year five and I was over 200 lbs, still commuting and YW President--more stress.

*Year six we decide to become somewhat self-employed and move to Texas-- away from ALL of my family. My first six months were brutal.

*Year seven I find out I have hypothyroidism (that would explain my tiredness, among other things) and high cholesterol. I also start Clomid to see if we can get pregnant with help for the first time. The high cholesterol scared me to death and I worked my but off, (not to mention the thyroid medicine made me feel good for the first time in a long time.) I lost five pounds and got my cholesterol down to healthy levels. Then once again life happens,Thanksgiving, Christmas, miscarriage #1.

*8th anniversary and I am up to 219 :D Yea for me!!!! That's more than 9lbs a year. Not to mention that for the last eight years I have done nothing but worry about getting pregnant.

So, when June rolled around and I faced the seriousness of my ectopic pregnancy and the Dr. telling us we should wait awhile to get pregnant, I made a decision. It may seem selfish, but I feel that things have gotten so out of control with myself, I need motivation and I have tried everything within my power. The day before my six week check-up on July 14th I weighed 217 lbs.

I visited with the Dr. I cried, she said we should wait at least two more months physically to get pregnant. I felt emotionally I needed to wait longer.

Then it hit me-- I told her that I have spent the last eight years in "getting pregnant mode" and I want to focus on me "being healthy mode" and feeling good about myself. I had enjoyed the six weeks of not worrying if I was going to get pregnant and I wanted more of that.

I expressed my concern over my weight. She talked about Weight Watchers, eating healthy, and exercising. We talked about my success in these areas, or lack thereof. She and I discussed weight loss medication-- using it as a jump start for a few month to get control of my eating. I asked about side effects. There were some, but nothing life threatening or hard to live with.

So I did it. I've been doing it. It goes against everything I feel is right. I just felt I had no other options-- no support at home and no will power.

I'm not claiming this to be the end all be all and its definitely not for everyone. I've only been taking it for two weeks, so I can't be sure how great the results are. So far I am impressed, and I am figuring out how much my body really needs and what kinds of food it needs. Like I said, I have never been a proponent for weight loss medication, and I do feel somewhat hypocritical.

When I decided I was going to do this I also decided that I was going to do it the right way. I was going to do all that was in my power too, and not just let the "drug" do the work. I have been walking regularly, and exercising on my own. I have been keeping a food journal and setting goals and drinking plenty of water.

I know you're asking yourself, where I am at in all of this. Well, the day before the Dr. I was 217 and today I stepped on the scale and I was 207. I have this sense of "I can do this" instead of all the negative self talk that was going on before. The first week I lost 7lbs-- the medication made me feel weird and it seriously took some adjusting. Last week went well, and things leveled off at 2lbs. This week has felt like last week and I feel like I'm getting the hang of things.

Why am I posting this, the longest post of the year???? Why am I sharing the history of my weight gain??? For one, I need to process it. Sharing with the world might not be the best way to process it, but I feel I have found sister's out there who have shared in my sorrow and I would now like them to share in what I feel is my success. I am finding Sarah-- she has been buried for YEARS-- under stress, guilt, and inadequacy, numbed with food. I am now taking control. I learning to let go and embrace myself. I know I won't weight what I did when I got married. I'm okay with that, I just want to be healthy, and have energy and enjoy life and live it-- and most important I want to teach my daughter to do the same.

Thank You Cjane

Thank you for putting into words what has been written on my heart. If you would like to read a fabulous post click here.

Today Is The First Day. . .

I have felt okay with out pain meds

I didn't take a nap

I cried

Claire stayed home with me

I went up the stairs

It seems like its taking forever, I hate not being able to do things. In all reality, I'm healing quickly, physically. It seems as though the other pain has just begun. I need peace.

And The Drama Continues!!!!

I know you all thought that I fell off the face of the planet, but I am still here. I was soooo excited to get home, unfortunately my body wasn't so excited.

While in Idaho I started experiencing some debilitating cramps. So bad that I didn't think I would make my flight. After coming home, the cramps subsided but my period was being mysterious.

Sooooo, me having a huge stash a pregnancy tests decided to test, knowing it would come out negative cause I had had my period while I was gone. There was no way I could be pregnant. Wrong!!!! It was positive and I was mystified.

I called the Dr's office, I was concerned about the bleeding and cramping, they were to. When I went in we did a pee test, it was positive, so then we did and ultrasound, and we couldn't find a baby, but we did find a HUGE cyst. 10x6x6 cm big. Dr thought my pregnancy might not be far enough along too see so she ordered blood work to test hormone levels and sent me home saying to take it easy and come back in on Monday morning.

Friday, morning I woke up and began cramping, this time it was soooooo bad. I thought if I soaked in the tub it would help, no such luck, so I yelled for Dylan to come help me out of the tub cause I knew there was no way I could stand up.

As soon as I stood up I said, "think I am going to pass out." And I did, and had what Dylan and Janie think was a seizure. I don't remember any of that. I do remember lying in bed wishing I could just die, and I was looking for the white light to walk towards. Dylan, had to run into work so I begged for Janie to come over. It was a good thing she did. While she was over the Dr told me to get into the emergency room, and on the way out of the house I passed out again and had another seizure.

The time in the emergency room was no fun, they weren't giving me any drugs, cause they didn't know for sure what was going on. After what felt like a two hour ultrasound, my Dr. decided it was an ectopic pregnancy and rushed me into surgery. Finally, I got some pain meds, and they felt goood.

So when they opened me up they found the MONSTER cyst that was the size of a grapefruit and the drained fluid from it filled 24oz. Crazy, the crazier part was that I had been bleeding internally for a while and had lost 1/3 of my blood.

The ectopic had ruptured. They removed my right fallopian tube and left my right ovary. Everything on my left looked good as well as my uterus, so having a baby is still an option. Although, its not necessarily the option I even want to consider right now.

I have felt so blessed during this ordeal and I am so glad everything has turned out okay. I am definitely ready to get back to my real life NOW!!!!!

What Is Up In The House of Love!!

Short summary of the last few days:

Saturday: Went to a business dinner with Dylan~ very diverse and educated couple. It was a fabulous evening, and we even did a little missionary work.

Sunday: Went to Sacrament and came home~ I have been having terrible migraines and I just wasn't ready to face everyone yet. Had a dinner invite to Sara and Dave's started to head over to their house, when I started freaking out, litterally freaking out over a comment Dylan made about not wanting to go to the Doctor with me. I was hysterical~ Dylan drove around the block a few times telling me to calm down, but of course I was on one, so when Sara called to see if we were coming he made some smart A comment about me feeling sorry for myself and we wouldn't be ccoming. Yeah, that went over like a brick in the toilet. I hope Sara and Dave will forgive us. Finally, by nights end and lots of counsel from my go to gal- you know who you are- and my mother- and a sit down heart to heart with my husband, who bless his heart doesn't know how to handle this, all was better.

Monday: 1st thing in the morning we got a phone call letting us know that Keith, the store manager for Dylan's Austin store (he has been in a coma for the last week) passed away. Dylan was pretty shook up. They had been good friends. Then it was the trip to the Doctors where I knew the inevitable would happen. Temp nurse, no one filled her in about the miscarriage, so she comes in congratulating me on my pregnancy. That was like a slap in the face and the story of my life. I was furious, because I just knew that was going to happen. Thankfully, that Doctor came in and smoothed everything over. Finally, info I needed to hear. Too bad I had to wait a week to hear it. We finished out the day taking Claire to Spiderwick Chronicles, something tells me the book is better, and it was too SCARY for Claire.

There's my last few hormonal days. We are all still alive. In, fact I think we are all feeling better. Here's to getting back to normal.

Why Do We Have To Be So Different?

Warning: This blog is still in the weird, probably needs psychiatric help phase. Don't take anything I say too seriously. I really do know why we have to be so different, please humor me. I need some humor. What are these crazy emotions that have been surging through my body for the last few days??? And where are they coming from? The night that we spent in the ER my husband was perfect, he said the right things, he did the right things, he knew exactly what I needed. Now its like we are aliens that don't even speak the same language. Why?

Last night when he got home I blew up at him and wouldn't talk to him, and then I was mad that he wouldn't talk to me. I am definately not in my right mind. So this morning I woke up and asked if we could just talk, because we really haven't since 3:30 a.m. Tuesday morning. Of course the inevitable happened. Those words every woman dreads, but she brings on herself, "So what do you want to talk about." Oh, I don't know honey, maybe the flowers growing in the garden, or the tire on your car looks a little low, but definately not the crisis I have been living with for the last three days.

So after I calmly (yeah right) explain what I would love to discuss with him, he says, "You know how I am, if its something I can't do anything about I forget it and move on. Thats just me." Of course I read into that, "Sarah you should be the same way, its just easier." Why do I feel like I am beating my head against a brick wall? Where's the honey, I completely understand, and let me clear my own dishes after dinner. If you need to cry its okay, I'll take the day off so you can cry on my shoulder.

Sorry, that's my selfish make believe world I have been wanting to live in. Men are so task oriented, I wish that I could just push these emotions away and move on with life. Instead I am sitting here replaying everything that could have been different, hypothesizing over things that really are not in my control, being angry and bitter, and probably experiencing every conciveable thought, feeling or emotion.

Yesterday, while talking to my mother on the phone, she made a small comment that I know she did not intend to be mean, but I seriously obessed about it all day and went so far as going and getting all my hair chopped off(seriously all of it) because I thought I would feel better, like I had a new life or something. Chopping your hair off when your 28 years old does not do anything to get back at your mother. We don't even live in the same state, why would she care. I didn't work, obviously no logic in my thinking. I was still upset about the comment when I went to bed last night.

Okay, maybe this post isn't about why men and women are so different, it just about me being screwed up right now. I am moving on, it's just at a slower pace than Dylan. I left the house yesterday. I have plans to do the same today. I know as with any trial that I have faced that I just take more time to get over things.

Giving Dylan some credit, the poor dude has been put through the wringer this week. From pulling an all nighter with me Monday night and then having to go to the store Tuesday, because no one else was going to be there, and then as he was walking out the door to come home last night he got a call from the security place for the Austin store, someone hadn't locked the door and the alarm was going off. He couldn't locate the manager and finally found one of the other employees, then the bad news came. The store manager in Austin had had a grand mal seizure the night before and because of it was in a coma and they are not sure he is going to make it. So here Dylan is wondering how he is going to run the store in Austin, and worrying about how his good friend who has a wife and kids might die, and he comes home to a freakshow. That's why men have to be different, they have to compartmentalize. I am glad they do. Otherwise it would be two freakshows in the house, poor Claire.

Okay, enough crazy for one day.

I have a little sanity left and if you happen to see a crazy lady running around Walmart today, you'll know its just me. :)

Please Forgive the Drama

I don't know where to begin. I feel very foolish, but like Jannette keeps telling me, blogging is cheaper than therapy. Which is so true. So here goes! This is for me more than anything. Last week I went on blogging sabbatical, because I was so excited that we were pregnant I just couldn't handle it, but Dylan didn't want me to blog about it until we had told his parents. So being the blabbermouth that I am I just knew that blogging was out of the question for the week. Grandma and Grandpa came and visited this weekend and we got to tell them. So, finally yesterday, I could post, but maybe I should have waited.

Last night we spent the night in the ER. I had had light spotting last week for a day and a half, and then it started up again on Sunday. Last Wednesday and Thursday I also had terrible cramping on my right side. I called the nurse concerned, as I had not experienced this with my other pregnancy. The nurse told me all sounded normal, but if anything got worse to come in. Well, by Thursday the spotting and cramping had subsided. I thought we were free and clear.
Sunday, when I started spotting again, I didn't think too much of it, because the nurse had said many women spot early on in their pregnancies. But. . . . last night when I got ready to go to bed and I went to the bathroom, there was RED blood, not a lot, like I needed a pad or anything, but enough to concern me. I told Dylan and he said I better call the Doctor in the morning. I went to bed crying and worrying and praying. Asking Heavenly Father to let me know what to do. About an hour later I went to the bathroom again and still the same bleeding. I just kept hearing in my head, "Go to the hospital," I felt dumb. I didn't want to wake Dylan up, I didn't want to go to the hospital and have them tell me that I am just a hypochondriac, like the nurse pretty much told me. But I felt that I HAD to go.

So we went at 12:15 a.m. I kept telling Dylan that I was sorry for making him take me. I felt so bad. We were so blessed that Dylan's parents weren't leaving until this morning, so we didn't have to worry about Claire last night, we could just leave.

The ER was great. They got us right in, and I loved the ER doc. Great bedside manner, and matter of factness, that I truly appreciated. He told us that this could be totally normal, or it could be bad and he wouldn't know unless he looked at everything to find out. So he did a pelvic, which looked hopeful. They took blood and urine, and did two ultrasounds. The ultrasounds took forever!!!!

At 3:00 a.m. the Doc came in to tell us that they could not find a baby on the ultrasound and that my hormone level was an 11, when it should be in the 1000's by now. He said there was a small chance that I was just not far enough along to be able to see the baby, but because my hormone level was so low, its more than likely that I have miscarried. He told me to go in and see my Doctor in 2 to 3 days and have another blood test to confirm one way or the other.

Unfortunately, I had had this feeling ever since last week. I even conveyed it to Dylan and we both pushed it off as me just being my usual worrying self. Like I said, I am writing this for me. I need to hear these words. I know this is sad and dramatic for all. I don't want to look like I thrive on this stuff. I don't. It's so sad that the one thing I stayed up worrying about all night, is that I posted that blog yesterday, and how dumb I was going to look now, and how I told the Relief Society and now everyone will know. I feel so stupid. I think getting over my pride has been the hardest part. That shows how selfish I am.

I completely understand that things happen for a reason, and that this is part of Heavenly Father's plan, I can accept that. The part I can't accept is having to face the world. I care more about saving face, than a baby!!! Sick and wrong. So here I am facing the world. Mom you always told me to eat my frogs first. I got the hard stuff done, now I'm going back to living my life and taking a few days to just hold and love the daughter that I have, and the WODNERFUL husband I have been blessed with. I never give my husband enough credit, but he truly is my rock, the man makes me stronger.

Thank You for all your love and support and from this point forward, I choose to use just a little more discretion in my life. Next time it might save me just a little heartache. Love You All!!