I know what your thinking-- aww, another post about Claire. I realize, lately all my post have been craft or Claire related. I wish I had time to sit down and write-- I miss that.
Sitting at work today, I was reading, (its been slow) The Mother In Me. (Yes, Janie I read the one you told me too-- and it inspired this post.) Where was I? I was reading this book, I've only read a handful of the essays and have liked most of them. While reading one essay in particular, entitled Tea Party Blessing, my thoughts started flowing and the essay really seemed to speak to me. Maybe, its because I could relate to this woman on a very personal level. My blog post began to form and here I am getting it all out once again.
This essay was about a mother-- with ONE child--- any ideas where this post might be heading? This mother was sick of getting asked the question, "Are planning on having anymore children?" In fact she was at a tea party and another guest pronounced a blessing upon this woman and promised her she would have a baby. She had had it with people and their silliness.
The rest of the essay is amazing, and what I needed to hear.
I too have been asked that question numerous times-- I've never cringed at it or felt bitter. While I long for another child, those questions don't seem to bother me. I too, have even been visiting with other women and have had women "promise me" that they know for a surety that I will have another baby. And like the woman in the essay, I want so desperately to believe.
The harsh reality is this- Claire is 4 and will be 5 in six months. We've been "trying" since she was one. We have been "really trying" since September of 2007. The results of "really trying" wasn't so great-- two miscarriages, life threatening ectopic, and the loss of a fallopian tube. Not to mention our lack of medical insurance.
Woooo, yep that last year was a doozy. Yet, for some strange reason, my husband and I are convinced that we need another child. Right now would be the worst possible time to have one. No insurance, financial situation with our family is not good, and the stability of Dylan's job is not good.
Luckily, I have great people and literature surrounding me that give me the reality check I need. Someone said to me last night, "Whatever is going to happen is going to happen whether you have a baby or not." Epiphany #1. Reading this essayat work today, talked about how she (the author of the essay) always focussed on not being able to have the blessing of a second child, rather than focussing on the blessings Heavenly Father has already given her. Epiphany #2.
So, this brings us back to that amazing little girl at the top of this post. While I would give anything-- and almost have-- to give her a little brother or sister, I really need to be living life with her right now. Whatever is going to happen is going to happen. Jobs will come and go, babies will come-- or they might not. Financially things are already tight, having a baby won't change that. But this precious gift is already here.
These are the decisions we have made TOGETHER as a couple. I say TOGETHER, because never before has Dylan cared about all this fertility stuff. This is the first time that he is pushing more than me. #1 We both feel we should have another child #2 I am taking my last dose of Clomid this month (I'd been saving it for a rainy day-- we decided the rainy day is here :D) #3 Whatever happens will happen and we will have faith enough to put it in Heavenly Father's hands.
My life has got to go on-- four years is enough torture-- I can't live my life on something that "might" happen. I have to live the life I have right now. I have to be grateful for ALL that I have been given-- not focussing on what I haven't been given.
So, if you missed the "real" Sarah-- I'm back, it just migh be in spurts-- live with it! :D