I know what your thinking-- aww, another post about Claire. I realize, lately all my post have been craft or Claire related. I wish I had time to sit down and write-- I miss that.
Sitting at work today, I was reading, (its been slow) The Mother In Me. (Yes, Janie I read the one you told me too-- and it inspired this post.) Where was I? I was reading this book, I've only read a handful of the essays and have liked most of them. While reading one essay in particular, entitled Tea Party Blessing, my thoughts started flowing and the essay really seemed to speak to me. Maybe, its because I could relate to this woman on a very personal level. My blog post began to form and here I am getting it all out once again.
This essay was about a mother-- with ONE child--- any ideas where this post might be heading? This mother was sick of getting asked the question, "Are planning on having anymore children?" In fact she was at a tea party and another guest pronounced a blessing upon this woman and promised her she would have a baby. She had had it with people and their silliness.
The rest of the essay is amazing, and what I needed to hear.
I too have been asked that question numerous times-- I've never cringed at it or felt bitter. While I long for another child, those questions don't seem to bother me. I too, have even been visiting with other women and have had women "promise me" that they know for a surety that I will have another baby. And like the woman in the essay, I want so desperately to believe.
The harsh reality is this- Claire is 4 and will be 5 in six months. We've been "trying" since she was one. We have been "really trying" since September of 2007. The results of "really trying" wasn't so great-- two miscarriages, life threatening ectopic, and the loss of a fallopian tube. Not to mention our lack of medical insurance.
Woooo, yep that last year was a doozy. Yet, for some strange reason, my husband and I are convinced that we need another child. Right now would be the worst possible time to have one. No insurance, financial situation with our family is not good, and the stability of Dylan's job is not good.
Luckily, I have great people and literature surrounding me that give me the reality check I need. Someone said to me last night, "Whatever is going to happen is going to happen whether you have a baby or not." Epiphany #1. Reading this essayat work today, talked about how she (the author of the essay) always focussed on not being able to have the blessing of a second child, rather than focussing on the blessings Heavenly Father has already given her. Epiphany #2.
So, this brings us back to that amazing little girl at the top of this post. While I would give anything-- and almost have-- to give her a little brother or sister, I really need to be living life with her right now. Whatever is going to happen is going to happen. Jobs will come and go, babies will come-- or they might not. Financially things are already tight, having a baby won't change that. But this precious gift is already here.
These are the decisions we have made TOGETHER as a couple. I say TOGETHER, because never before has Dylan cared about all this fertility stuff. This is the first time that he is pushing more than me. #1 We both feel we should have another child #2 I am taking my last dose of Clomid this month (I'd been saving it for a rainy day-- we decided the rainy day is here :D) #3 Whatever happens will happen and we will have faith enough to put it in Heavenly Father's hands.
My life has got to go on-- four years is enough torture-- I can't live my life on something that "might" happen. I have to live the life I have right now. I have to be grateful for ALL that I have been given-- not focussing on what I haven't been given.
So, if you missed the "real" Sarah-- I'm back, it just migh be in spurts-- live with it! :D
18 comments:
I think everything about you is real. I will be praying for you, that you will be blessed as the Lord sees fit. Thanks for being such a great example to me and a good friend.
Great post. I love when people ask me when I am going to try and have "my own" children. As if the ones I have now are not really mine since they are adopted.
I can relate to the "four years of torture". Looking back, I have to give the Lord credit for really knowing what was best for our family. I don't know if I could have given my other children what they needed if a baby was in the picture at the time. After finally getting Aubrey, the question has changed from "Are you having more children?" to "Was that planned?" You really do just have to let the comments and questions roll off your back and put 100% complete trust in God. I'll be praying for you.
I really liked what you wrote. And am glad that you are writing again! Good to see that you have had so many epiphanies and that you are looking forward!
How can my heart ache so bad for you and feel so full of pride for how amazing you are. I can't believe you are my friend you have a clarity that amazes me.
Its so hard.
but you find the beauty
love you!
oh and PS. I'll babysit like the WHOLE MONTH so you guys can help the clomid
Thank you so much for this post. It was actually just what I needed to read today. I too have one child-a four year old who will be five in August. He has been praying for a baby for as long I can remember which just breaks my heart that I can't give him a sibling.
I find comfort in knowing that God knows what is best for us and I know that for some reason I've been given this challenge.
I don't even know you, but I seriously feel for you. I know how hard it is to want something so badly. I'll say an extra prayer for you tonight :)
Thanks for sharing your heart with us.
I also loved that book....almost every chapter made me cry.....probably from lack of sleep and hormones. Enjoy Claire--& LIVE it up:) ppl will never stop asking questions....So I am glad you don't let it bother you:)
thanks for the offer janie-- i don't know if i would feel comfortable dropping my kid off knowing that you know what we are going to do:D what would be the conversation picking her up??? so, how did it go? awkward!
I will be praying that everything works out for you like the Lord has planned. Having done the infertility road myself, I understand where you are at and I myself wasn't always so gracious when people asked me about having kids. You truly are an amazing woman. Hang in there!
OMGOSH! I am laughing so hard at Janie's post. And your response, Sarah! As if you're not gonna post about that before AND after you do the you-know-what! Y'all are hilarious.
About the post ... beautifully written! And I too am proud to be your friend! Come what may, I know you'll always see your blessings. xoxo.
Ok, I'm laughing and Janie's comment too. She always leaves the naughty ones. LOL
Love your post Sarah!
You're awesome!
Oh my word. That was beautiful and it really, really touched me. Thank you for writing it. You truly are amazing as is your beautiful little family.
Expect miracles and they will happen! Love you.
i have one child, a beautiful,cute and amazing girl, i cant be pregnant any more (histerectomy), this hard time teach me to enjoy every moment,every smile and cry with my doughter and my DH, because the life are moments,only moments and we need to keep in our heart.
You have such a great heart Sarah! I know that it will happen when the time is right. I will keep you in my prayers as well! BTW got the purse and I LOVE IT!!! I can' wait to use it this spring!
You always inspire me, Sarah. With all the responsibility and decisions that come with this YW calling, I've often thought, what would Sarah do here? Thank you for your example and courage.
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