Feels Like We've Been to the Moon and Back: {Part Three} Going Against Everything I Ever Thought I Wanted in a Birth

This post took me a while to write and then to actually hit publish because, well, let's face it I care way too much about what other people think.  Way too much.  I know that this post may make me look naive or uneducated.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  There's a few things I believe.  First and foremost that having children is a very sacred responsibility.  Second, we can't always control the hand we're dealt and it's never our place to judge.  Third, and finally, at some point you just have to have faith and trust in God.  He knows us, He knows what we are capable of and His will and blessings for us are great if we do all that we can do!

Shortly after finding out about our pregnancy I was able to begin working as a long-term substitute for a nearby middle school.  Another amazing miracle.  I was hoping that this position would turn into something more permanent.  Health insurance was not included with substitute positions and having the hospital birth I wanted was going to be financially impossible without insurance.  I didn't know what to do.  I was frozen with fear.  I couldn't sleep at night because I didn't know how we were going to have this baby.  So I waited and waited and waited.

The reality of pregnancy began to kick in as the morning sickness arrived.  Working at a middle school and morning sickness is no fun.  Stinky teenagers sent me reeling daily.  Ginger Ale was my best friend. The parasite in my womb could not be ignored anymore.

I was new to the area and had no insurance.  I didn't know a good OB/GYN so I started asking around.  I received a few referrals and starting calling different doctors for self-pay pricing.  No one wanted me.  This was devastating. I felt like a second class citizen as I called doctor after doctor and no one wanted to take me as a patient after they asked the question, "and what insurance do you carry?"  To which I would reply that I was self-pay.  I would hear, fumbling around and then they would either say were are not taking new patients or be quoted astronomical prices and be discouraged from coming to their practice. 

I just kept waiting to find someone to go to.  I started to get a little depressed.  With my first child I knew who I wanted to see, I went in after being pregnant for six weeks and I was excited.  It wasn't like this with this baby.  I was scared.  

I also need to add, that with Claire, my first, I had a very traditional OB/GYN that I loved.  He was funny and had a great bedside manner.  I had decent insurance through work and so all options were on the table.  We took a birth class, I knew I wanted an epidural immediately and I knew what to expect.  I loved and trusted my Doctor and knew he would make the right decisions for me.  When Claire came everything went as planned and I was happy with my experience.  It was the kind of experience I wanted again.  Yet, with no insurance this time around, it was going to cost me $15,000 or more by the time it was all said and done.  

I knew this would destroy my family financially, but I still did not know what to do.  Having this baby was the blessing we had been asking for for so long, but we really did not believe it would happen.  The timing was just, ugh!!!!

My good friend had suggested I visit a midwife in my area that she had met.  I thought my friend was CRAZY.  A MIDWIFE!!! Me!!!!! No way!!!!!  Yet, as my pregnancy progressed I new I needed to make a decision.  I shopped around a little more and still was not happy with the way I was being treated and the $$$$$$ we were facing.  After calling the local hospital and being transferred from one person to the next I was DONE!!!!  I bit the bullet and called the midwife my friend suggested.  

As I spoke with the kind caring woman on the other end of the phone my heart and mind started to change and soften.  Mary, the office manager, willingly explained cost and procedure and made me feel like a mom trying to have a baby.  That probably sounds ridiculous.  After I had called so many places who made me feel like a low-life vagrant who got knocked up and had no insurance, talking to Mary is exactly what I needed.

I made an appointment to come and take a look and make a decision, although from the conversation I had with that angel on the phone, a decision had already been made.  That decision was affirmed when I met with the amazing Jackie at Bay Area Birth Center.  I knew this was the place for me.  

Over the next seven months I learned more about birth than I ever dreamed.  I learned more about myself too.  Reading, The Gift of Giving Life opened my mind and helped me understand that as women we are capable of so much, especially having babies.  However, you choose to have one.  

Next up. . . the story you've been waiting for. . . or not.

My birth story.

Short, sweet and to the point.

Celebrating and Remembering the Life of a Great Man

 



I found out this evening that my dear sweet grandfather passed away.  My heart aches, but I am so happy that his pain is now gone and the worries of this world are now behind him.

In December, my mom had us send her memories we had of my Grandfather to present him for his birthday.  I am so thankful she had us do this.  To honor his memory I want to share those memories with you.  This is the grandfather that we visited on almost a weekly basis, who I grew up with and learned so much from.  This man truly changed and influenced my life. 

Memories of Grandpa

As I typed up this list it occurred to me that so much of who I am is because of all the things I have been taught by my grandfather. I am so thankful to have a grandfather that I was close to who could love me and teach me all the following things, thank you Grandpa!!!

Teaching me how to tie a fly on my line

Teaching me how to fish

He was with me when I caught my first fish

Teaching me which spring was safe to drink out of and why

He made the BEST latrines for camping. . . Almost as good as being at home

Gave me my love for the outdoors and camping

Introducing me to Bear Creek. . . where I discovered magical kingdoms full of mushrooms, boat races, and houses made of rocks

When Nathan and I were little and we would go to Grandma’s house during the day, I remember him coming home for work and telling us we better be good or we would get a kick in the britches. . . we would just laugh. We thought this was so funny, but we were scared too.

I remember playing in the yard while Grandpa irrigated.

I am amazed that Grandpa built not one, but two houses during my lifetime.

I grew up believing that if ever there was something that needed fixed, Grandpa could do it. From crown molding and pantry shelves to young women’s projects and baby cradles; Grandpa could do it!!

I remember Kira or Keisha trying to drive the van and getting it stuck in between the air conditioning and the gate. Mom called Grandpa, he came all the way from Meridian to assess the damage. Miraculously he unstuck the van. I don’t even remember there being a scratch on it when he was done.

Grandpa always has the best stories.

One of my dreams has been to sit down with him and a video recorder to capture his oral history. I’ve always wanted to ask and record a million questions regarding life growing up in Boise, and WWII, and what it must have been like raising a family in the 60’s and 70’s. That’s the nerdy historian in me!!!

I loved hearing his stories about driving a milk/bread truck and getting his teeth knocked out.

Grandpa has the best sense of humor. He always told us silly little things that would make every little kid giggle. Like, what was did the mosquito say when it hit the windshield? Owwie!!! Or, I think I have a case of TB. . . what’s that Grandpa??? Tired Butt.

***Just this evening before we received the news of his passing we were eating J-ello for dinner.  As we ate I mentioned to my daughter a memory I had of him,
"Hey Claire, you know what Grandpa Great calls J-ello???" 
"What mommy?"
"He calls it nervous pudding!!!" 
She quickly scooped up a spoonful of J-ello and watched it wiggle on her spoon all the while giggling.  Grandpa was always good for a silly joke or a funny story.  I sure will miss him.



Have I Ever Told You. . .

How much I want just one more little miracle. 

That's my Christmas wish.

Teachers Rock!!!! and I Need To Get On A Roll!!!!

Today was dress like a

ROCK STAR

day at my school.

I must admit, that I truly enjoyed

my pink streaked hair

black nail polish

goth make-up

and

tattoo sleeves

It was fun!!!!!

The kids got a kick out of it too.

I had a student come up to me and say,

"What happened to you?"

My comment was,

"What, this I what I look like on the weekend."

She replied with a horrified look

and

crossing her chest in the sign of the cross,

"Heaven help your soul."

The above picture reminded me of something

that happened earlier this month.

At the beginning of September

there was a Health Fair at my school

for all the employees.

The kind of health fair where they

weigh you

check your BMI

do a few blood tests

and

administer flu shots.

They always hold our health fair in the library.

Pretty close quarters for

semi-personal information.

As I was analyzed by a nurse

with a line of my colleagues waiting behind me

within earshot

I was told the following,

your BMI is way to high

you are

OBESE

you are 31

and your body is as strong as it ever will be

YOU HAVE TO WORK OUT

(basically, its all down hill from here, so its now or never!!!!)

I glanced around to see who heard

my great assessment

gulped

and grabbed a chocolate donut

--- Just Kidding---

I didn't grab a chocolate donut

I felt like I wanted to puke

Seeing the picture above reminded me of this.

Now the weather is not so stinkin' hot

I am ready to get out

and

get my body stronger

and lose the obscene spare tire around my middle

it's true I HATE getting my picture taken

its true I have very bad body image issues

but its also true that i need to start taking care of myself.

I am not getting any younger.

There--

I want to be a rock star and I need to get in shape

--guess I could have said all that in one sentence.

P.S. A big hug for the lady at church who told me I looked beautiful

Don't ya just love compliments???

Here Today, Gone Tomorrow

Yes, today was my first day back to school!!!! :o{

I'm exhausted, but if I weren't I would be making one of these cute

Chalkboard Clipboards.

You can find the tutorial on

Little Birdie Secrets

Maybe next summer.

I did end my summer break with a big crafting bang.

It included, mod podge lettering, table skirts, classroom curtains,

hemming pants, shortening apron straps, a darling nursing cover,

and

the cutest chore chart

EVER MADE

ok, I may be a little biased on that one :0}

Only problem is, I didn't take pics of any of it.

It was a mad dash to get it done and out the door, pics were the last thing from my mind.

If I have a spare moment I might take a pic of my cute chore chart.

But then you would see how desperately insane I am.

Wish me luck for another fabulous year of

Angelic 8th graders :0)

Please Support Me!!!

I will be walking in the 2010 Relay for Life in May. A group of us will be walking in honor of a fellow teacher from our school who lost her battle with cancer last year. I will also be walking as a personal tribute to my father who died from Cancer when I was one. Please support me and this cause by clicking on the link and making a donation. RELAY FOR LIFE. Thank you for your support.

Spring Break Ends With A Bang

Can you believe that its the first day of spring and we end up looking like this.
This weekend we celebrated our 10 yr anniversary.
Everything was lovely!!!

Click the photo to see the trailer.

Good movie, but I think I would like the book better.

We were hoping it would actually look like this outside

so we could stroll around the pond, but no such luck.

It was still a great way to celebrate 10 years being married.

In My Darkest Hour. . .

This post has been a long time coming. I’ve wanted to share this experience and just didn’t know if I was ready to share. It’s no secret that I’ve been going through some major personal struggles the last 10 months or so. This post is not for your pity or sympathy, but hopefully to build testimonies. Including mine.

My brain knows that my circumstances have not been that bad. My emotions and heart have definitely felt differently. I think about all the amazing people I know who struggle with grace through much tougher things than I have ever had to face. I guess this is one reason I have had a hard time blogging, I feel like a whiner and ungrateful. Both of which I know I am. I have been terrible about that. So bad, that I know I have pushed friends and family away. Yet, the cycle of negativity continues.

As I battled through my husband’s unemployment and the insecurities that come with it, not to mention the guilt and grief of going back to work full time, and a multitude of other little bothersome matters, I found myself sinking deeper and deeper into the darkest places, emotionally and spiritually.

It didn’t quite understand what was going on with me at first. I was fine at work, I could function fairly normal there. When I would get home Mr. Hyde would appear. I would be overly emotional, angry, and unable to enjoy anything that had made me happy before. At first I just thought it was just stress from a new job and the unemployment. But instead of being able to cope and adapt, the feelings didn’t get better they intensified. I reached a point where I hated everything. EVERYTHING! Still, I didn’t understand what was going on with me. I blamed Dylan, I blamed work, I blamed church. EVERYTHING was the cause of my suffering.

My ability to be a good wife, mother and friend all but disappeared. I practically disappeared. I was spinning out of control and didn’t know what to do or how to handle it. I had never felt these feelings before. As a couple we had experienced quite a few difficult things in our marriage, but I felt this was truly destroying our relationship. Really, who would want to be with someone who whines, complains, nags and is negative ALL the time. Yes, that is what I have become.

Sunday, January 24th I found myself sitting on the floor of my bathroom in one of the darkest funks I have ever been. Feeling like there was no point to anything in my life. I hope you understand how hard this is for me to type—so very personal. I have always had such a strong testimony of who I am and why I am on this earth. I can definitely say that that testimony has been officially rocked. There was a point there on my filthy bathroom floor, where something, I don’t know what, I really don’t, I know it was not me, picked me up off that floor in my miserable state and forced me to get ready for church. I didn’t want to go, I wanted to lay there and sob all day. I felt like going to church was the last thing I needed, and I had decided I wasn’t going. But, like I said something picked me up off that floor and I went. It was miserable. The rest of the day was miserable. I cried my pitiful self to sleep once again praying for help, I just didn’t know what. I felt I just could not go on this way any longer.

The next day the strangest, most miraculous thing happened.

I got home from work exhausted, and did my daily email check, and found this:

Sarah,
You may not remember me, I am Jennifer C’s sister and I bought a giant O from you a while back.
I had a dream last night where your name kept coming up over and over again.
I kept thinking, where do I know that name from? perhaps a character in a book?
But when I woke up I remembered who you were and now am worried that maybe you need something or I should contact you for whatever reason.
Is this weird, or what?
Anyways if I can help you with something please let me know otherwise I just have been thinking about you all night!
Megan T.

At first I thought, what a psycho, I really did. Sorry Megan. But, then I sat there in amazement. Almost exactly 24 hours earlier I had been feeling like a nothing, almost as though I did not exist. And here was this woman, whom I’ve never met, only corresponded with via email almost two years ago, contacting me to see if I was okay.

Here was my response:

Megan,

I can't say I've ever received an email quite like this one. There have been numerous times when I have felt compelled to inquire about someone, but I've at least met the person I was worried about.

Here's the truth-- maybe it'll be easier to tell cause I really don't know you. Sunday was a very scary day for me. Dark, very dark. This coming from someone who has always had a burning testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. But over the course of the last year, things have begun to slide spiritually and temporally for me. Sunday, I really lost it. Emotionally, physically and spiritually. At one point I found myself sitting on the floor in my bathroom, crying and praying. Knowing that I hate the person I have become. I've become a negative, manipulative, faithless person. For a year I have been focusing on what I don't have instead of what I do have. Focusing on my infertility, my husband’s job loss, me having to go back to work and not being able to stay at home, and any other negative that happened in my life.

When I received your email Monday, I was in awe. Because not only did I hear from you, a complete stranger, but a friend also dropped a note by saying that she was thinking about me. It was a huge reminder that my Heavenly Father is aware of me, he knows everything about me. When I was feeling alone and like I could not go on, I was reminded, that there are people out there who know me and care about me.

Thank you for your email. Thank you for being an answer to my prayer, when I felt that all my prayers were going unanswered.

I know it all sounds so dramatic and cheesy, but thanks for risking sounding like a crazy person, your email was definitely needed. Thanks!

My life has been so blessed and there have been so many times that I have taken those blessing for granted. I have been so selfish. I have since found out that I have been suffering from mild depression. Something I have been working through. That still does not excuse me and the choices that I have made. Since Megan’s email I have realized how much my Heavenly Father really loves all of us, including me.

As I have found myself healing and feeling better I have reflected on this and past experiences often. I realize how easy it is for us to judge others. How easy it is to assume so much by the little we see. I am reminded time and time again two things. First, there is only one person who completely understands our burdens and is able to judge. Second, we are all children of our Heavenly Father, who loves us individually and knows what we need.

I am so thankful for this woman listening to the spirit. I am thankful for good friends and visiting teachers that have been my lifeline to spirituality. I am so thankful for my family immediate and extended, for all of their faith and strength. I am so blessed to have a very humble and patient husband. I am so blessed to know that I have a Savior that has atoned for me, and that through him I can become a better person. Last, but not least I am thankful for the knowledge I have that I am a daughter of God who knows and loves me.

SERIOUS BLOG DROUGHT

in case you haven't noticed,

my blog has become a barren wasteland.

this truly makes my heart ache.

i've written hundreds of blog posts.

what you haven't read them???

that's right, they still haven't been published

due to my lack of free moments to sit down and write.

on my way to work this morning,

i dreamt of blog posts,

possibly renaming my blog something like,

Confessions of a Summer Blogger

or

Breadwinner by Day, Housewife by Night.

i have some really great teacher stories to share,

but due to the nature of such stories

i don't feel free to share them in open forum

BIG BROTHER

is always watching

EVERYBODY SAY HI TO BIG BROTHER

just one more thing to hinder my blogging efforts

not to mention

most of my previous blogging was about

crafting or Claire

both of which don't occupy my time like they used to.

So for now, the drought will continue.

I really try on the weekends

but, I am hoping for summer, when I can write

at my leisure again.

if i had time to write i would tell you about:

job searching

kindergarten

facing our tenth year of marriage

poisoning

dealing with 8+ years of infertility

cavities and implants

weight gain

depression

Evony & Fog of War

waiting for missionaries

Christmas

gifts i've made

interesting meals at our house

callings

loving the life you have

patience

and I could go on forever,

but I have a book calling my name

and one goal i set was

to read something I enjoy this month

without falling asleep :D

Adieu

*Infinite*Power*of*Hope*

My New Years Resolution

Cultivate my {HOPE}

Christmas Break Adventure--- DAY 1

We are officially staying in

Historic Gruene, Texas

Just 20 minutes from

The AlamoStill one of my most favorite places to visit.

Even better with
Dylan and Claire this time :D

Not that I didn't enjoy it with you too Janie!!!

(If I remember right we spent our whole trip wishing our husbands' were with us)We had a very exciting riverboat tour.

Our boat broke town 2x, we crashed into the edge 2x and I got crapped on 2x by a bird.

Very eventful wouldn't you say!!!It was even more beautiful than I had remembered it.

There were Christmas lights hung from all the trees!!!!My last trip to San Antonio Janie wanted to stop here, and we missed our chance. For future reference don't.

It's just an over priced gift store.

With a really cool sign.

The shop on the basement level sells drug paraphernalia.

Of, course Dylan discovered that.

I Should Be. . . . . .

Sleeping In,

but this crazy

alarm clock inside my body

Freaks out at 6 a.m.

and won't let me go back to sleep,

How am I

supposed to enjoy

my break

if I can't sleep in?

Small Celebrations!!!!

Test: 110 PEDAGOGY & PROF RESP 4-8
Examinee Score Report
Test Date: 10/31/2009
Scaled Score Range: 100 - 300
Passing Score: 240
Passed
SARAH RAGER

Total Scaled Score: 272

T e s t : 118 SOCIAL STUDIES 4-8
Examinee Score Report
Test Date: 11/14/2009
Scaled Score Range: 100 - 300
Passing Score: 240
Passed
SARAH RAGER
Total Scaled Score: 276

I'm Going. Are You????

Still here. . .

Stuffy Nose

Squeaky voice

and

Sinus Pressure

I survived my second week.

We haven't got into the "total"

groove of things

yet

but, I must say

we are learning.

Possibly more to come!!!

Celebrate the three day weekend

like an

8th grade teacher!

I know I will!

What A Great Week!!!!!

Despite the major adjustments of this week.

It was a good one.

I love my job.

Claire loves school,

and

Dylan loves being home alone!!!

How could you not love this place.

And We're Off. . .

I am officially a full-time working mom--

See You Next Summer!

Gee, I sure hope not!

I will be lost if I don't have time to blog.

Please keep reading even though

I may be sparse :(

I ♥ San Antonio, A Birthday Best

This year I wanted to do something out of the ordinary and exciting for my 30th birthday. I told Dylan I wanted to be wild and crazy. His comment was, "Sarah, what would be wild and crazy for you?" Not because I am wild and crazy already, but because, I literally have no concept of wild and crazy. I told him I was going to get a tattoo-- he just laughed-- he knows me I would NEVER get a tattoo.

What I came up with was a trip to San Antonio, with my best gal pal. He gladly obliged. How wild and crazy, huh?

We Pricelined a car and drove this. It was dark purple-- Dylan thought it was cool, I thought it was a grandma car. It was really nice-- I would drive it over my corolla any day, but definitely not my 1st choice.

On our way we discovered San Marcos. I will be going back there.

The Priceline gods must have been laughing their heads off at this one. We bid for a 4 star room and got the Emily Morgan Hotel. Neither of us had heard of it and so we googled it and found this, and much more about it being haunted. It was kind of eerie.The room was amazing, high ceilings and all. Loved the architecture! And the view!

Gargoyle faces looking in the windows, not so much.

Our hotel was a mere 14 steps from the AMAZING ALAMO. This history addict LOVED it!

WE enjoyed great Mexican food at Casa Rio.

I thoroughly enjoyed the Riverboat tour of San Antonio at sundown. More history for me!!!

On our way out on Tuesday Janie spotted a little Airbrush tattoo kiosk. I decided I would get one just to see what Dylan would do. He flipped his lid. He thought it was real, and was mad at me. It was hilarious. In perfect Sarah fashion, I scrubbed it off in the morning before Claire could see it.

More, than anything I got the chance to enjoy the company of one of my best friends in the whole world. While I think both of us wished we had our hubbys with us too, we had a blast. A girls weekend is highly unusual for me. I loved it and was so glad I got to share it with Janie!

I'm 30 but I feel 90?????

I truly was looking forward to turning 30. I felt it was a much needed step into adulthood. I feel like nobody takes you seriously in your our 20's. I have a memory of my mother turning 30, and I remember it being traumatic for her. I don't remember why. I just remember telling myself, wow I can't wait until I'm 30. I've continued to feel that way, until the last month or so.

It's not really the 30 thing that's haunting me, its this place where I have found myself at 30. I guess I expected more, and for a while I saw myself heading in the right direction. But as soon as I was embracing where my life was heading, my direction veered dramatically. I am now realizing my unfulfilled dreams and what 30 is really going to be, I have started to feel my own little mini-mid life crisis begin to kick in.

Call me selfish. Call me immature. Tell me to grow up. I need to hear it, I tell it to myself every day. I spent three wonderful years as a stay at home mom, discovering a wonderful life raising my beautiful daughter and discovering a piece of my soul I didn't know existed. What I like to think of as my free spirit.

When most of us think of a free spirit, we think of someone with little or no inhibitions. Definitely not me. But when I think of who I was, anal retentive, always worrying, always wanting to do what was right, always having order, never finding true joy, always controlling, unable to give into creativity, oh, so judgemental, and never willing to take risks; and who I found, someone just a little lazy, able to accept others, full of creativity, an entrepreneur, full of energy, passion, compassion, service--I feel I found my free spirit.

This free spirit I formed I now feel must be boxed up and saved for a later time. Its almost as though I have been watching this part of me slowly die this summer, knowing that when I go back to work, this semi-charmed life I had been living will quietly disappear, and be replaced with over scheduling and lots more worrying.

I will now throw a temper tantrum. I want more babies. I want to stay home. I want to take afternoon naps snuggled up with a little one. I want to read stories. I want to procrastinate my housework, till just before my husband comes home. I want to worry about, my cups facing up or down, I want to go to playgroup. I want to sew, and sew, and sew and sew. I don't want to let this stage of my life go just yet.

So, you see 30 has taken a very different turn. Last year, when I was standing at 29 facing 30-- I would not have expected to be writing this post. I wanted this to be a year to embrace my free spirit, not to bury it.

I must admit, I feel truly overwhelmed by the responsibilities that lay in front of me. How do I juggle being:
1. A mother of a school age child
2. A wife of an unemployed entrepreneur/Young Men's counselor
3. A counselor in the relief society
4. An 8th grade teacher
5. An oldest child
6. Someone who's got her crap together

So, 30, here I am chew me up, spit me out. I'm well aware that next year I things could be dramatically different. I'm facing a whole other world full of new unknowns. What will it be like, and who will I be when I come out on the other side?

I know I'm 30, but really I feel 90!

p.s. I truly am grateful for all that I have been blessed with. It's just so hard to face change sometimes, especially when you really liked who/what you are-- for once in your life.

p.p.s. San Antonio was a dream come true. I'll be posting soon!

Suggestions Please!

Taking any suggestions on a

{impromptu}

24 hr visit

to

San Antonio

Girls Only!!!