Saturday, March 13, 2010

In My Darkest Hour. . .



This post has been a long time coming. I’ve wanted to share this experience and just didn’t know if I was ready to share. It’s no secret that I’ve been going through some major personal struggles the last 10 months or so. This post is not for your pity or sympathy, but hopefully to build testimonies. Including mine.

My brain knows that my circumstances have not been that bad. My emotions and heart have definitely felt differently. I think about all the amazing people I know who struggle with grace through much tougher things than I have ever had to face. I guess this is one reason I have had a hard time blogging, I feel like a whiner and ungrateful. Both of which I know I am. I have been terrible about that. So bad, that I know I have pushed friends and family away. Yet, the cycle of negativity continues.

As I battled through my husband’s unemployment and the insecurities that come with it, not to mention the guilt and grief of going back to work full time, and a multitude of other little bothersome matters, I found myself sinking deeper and deeper into the darkest places, emotionally and spiritually.

It didn’t quite understand what was going on with me at first. I was fine at work, I could function fairly normal there. When I would get home Mr. Hyde would appear. I would be overly emotional, angry, and unable to enjoy anything that had made me happy before. At first I just thought it was just stress from a new job and the unemployment. But instead of being able to cope and adapt, the feelings didn’t get better they intensified. I reached a point where I hated everything. EVERYTHING! Still, I didn’t understand what was going on with me. I blamed Dylan, I blamed work, I blamed church. EVERYTHING was the cause of my suffering.

My ability to be a good wife, mother and friend all but disappeared. I practically disappeared. I was spinning out of control and didn’t know what to do or how to handle it. I had never felt these feelings before. As a couple we had experienced quite a few difficult things in our marriage, but I felt this was truly destroying our relationship. Really, who would want to be with someone who whines, complains, nags and is negative ALL the time. Yes, that is what I have become.

Sunday, January 24th I found myself sitting on the floor of my bathroom in one of the darkest funks I have ever been. Feeling like there was no point to anything in my life. I hope you understand how hard this is for me to type—so very personal. I have always had such a strong testimony of who I am and why I am on this earth. I can definitely say that that testimony has been officially rocked. There was a point there on my filthy bathroom floor, where something, I don’t know what, I really don’t, I know it was not me, picked me up off that floor in my miserable state and forced me to get ready for church. I didn’t want to go, I wanted to lay there and sob all day. I felt like going to church was the last thing I needed, and I had decided I wasn’t going. But, like I said something picked me up off that floor and I went. It was miserable. The rest of the day was miserable. I cried my pitiful self to sleep once again praying for help, I just didn’t know what. I felt I just could not go on this way any longer.

The next day the strangest, most miraculous thing happened.

I got home from work exhausted, and did my daily email check, and found this:

Sarah,
You may not remember me, I am Jennifer C’s sister and I bought a giant O from you a while back.
I had a dream last night where your name kept coming up over and over again.
I kept thinking, where do I know that name from? perhaps a character in a book?
But when I woke up I remembered who you were and now am worried that maybe you need something or I should contact you for whatever reason.
Is this weird, or what?
Anyways if I can help you with something please let me know otherwise I just have been thinking about you all night!
Megan T.

At first I thought, what a psycho, I really did. Sorry Megan. But, then I sat there in amazement. Almost exactly 24 hours earlier I had been feeling like a nothing, almost as though I did not exist. And here was this woman, whom I’ve never met, only corresponded with via email almost two years ago, contacting me to see if I was okay.

Here was my response:

Megan,

I can't say I've ever received an email quite like this one. There have been numerous times when I have felt compelled to inquire about someone, but I've at least met the person I was worried about.

Here's the truth-- maybe it'll be easier to tell cause I really don't know you. Sunday was a very scary day for me. Dark, very dark. This coming from someone who has always had a burning testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. But over the course of the last year, things have begun to slide spiritually and temporally for me. Sunday, I really lost it. Emotionally, physically and spiritually. At one point I found myself sitting on the floor in my bathroom, crying and praying. Knowing that I hate the person I have become. I've become a negative, manipulative, faithless person. For a year I have been focusing on what I don't have instead of what I do have. Focusing on my infertility, my husband’s job loss, me having to go back to work and not being able to stay at home, and any other negative that happened in my life.

When I received your email Monday, I was in awe. Because not only did I hear from you, a complete stranger, but a friend also dropped a note by saying that she was thinking about me. It was a huge reminder that my Heavenly Father is aware of me, he knows everything about me. When I was feeling alone and like I could not go on, I was reminded, that there are people out there who know me and care about me.

Thank you for your email. Thank you for being an answer to my prayer, when I felt that all my prayers were going unanswered.

I know it all sounds so dramatic and cheesy, but thanks for risking sounding like a crazy person, your email was definitely needed. Thanks!

My life has been so blessed and there have been so many times that I have taken those blessing for granted. I have been so selfish. I have since found out that I have been suffering from mild depression. Something I have been working through. That still does not excuse me and the choices that I have made. Since Megan’s email I have realized how much my Heavenly Father really loves all of us, including me.

As I have found myself healing and feeling better I have reflected on this and past experiences often. I realize how easy it is for us to judge others. How easy it is to assume so much by the little we see. I am reminded time and time again two things. First, there is only one person who completely understands our burdens and is able to judge. Second, we are all children of our Heavenly Father, who loves us individually and knows what we need.

I am so thankful for this woman listening to the spirit. I am thankful for good friends and visiting teachers that have been my lifeline to spirituality. I am so thankful for my family immediate and extended, for all of their faith and strength. I am so blessed to have a very humble and patient husband. I am so blessed to know that I have a Savior that has atoned for me, and that through him I can become a better person. Last, but not least I am thankful for the knowledge I have that I am a daughter of God who knows and loves me.

7 comments:

House of Borjas said...

Thanks for that, Sarah. I needed to hear it today. Hugs :)

Nicki said...

Not sure if this will help or not but I was at the same stage about a year ago. I felt like I hated everything in my life. I finally decided to tell my doctor how I felt. I have been on Zoloft for the last year & it is the best thing that I could have done for me & my family. I finally feel like me again.

Thanks for opening up. Nicki

katemeri said...

Hi Sarah. What an incredible post! I am so happy to hear that you are back on the right track. Life is not easy but know that you are not alone. You are a child of God and He is always with you. I read something once that that God doesn't pull away from us, we pull away from Him. He is always there, always loves us and is always faithful. I pray you will feel better and better each day and come to enjoy life again. Be well!

Janie said...

LOVE YOU SARAH!!!

I know I have not been the person I could/should be, and for that I apologize. I wish I was a better person and friend.
You putting this out there impresses me so much!!!
I am at a loss for words because I think you said it all!!!
I just have the song in my head...


here comes the sun...

Nancy J said...

You're amazing Sarah! This post really touched me; I guess cause I can completely relate and have felt this way before.

Thanks for sharing. It made me smile and shed a tear as well. :)

Love ya!
-Nancy

kira lee said...

i needed to hear this too!

Ryann said...

It was very brave of you to share this. I too suffered from depression when I was a newlywed. Unfortunately for me, my spirituality has never gotten back to where it once was. I hope that you make a full recovery and are feeling better soon!