Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Please Forgive the Drama

I don't know where to begin. I feel very foolish, but like Jannette keeps telling me, blogging is cheaper than therapy. Which is so true. So here goes! This is for me more than anything. Last week I went on blogging sabbatical, because I was so excited that we were pregnant I just couldn't handle it, but Dylan didn't want me to blog about it until we had told his parents. So being the blabbermouth that I am I just knew that blogging was out of the question for the week. Grandma and Grandpa came and visited this weekend and we got to tell them. So, finally yesterday, I could post, but maybe I should have waited.

Last night we spent the night in the ER. I had had light spotting last week for a day and a half, and then it started up again on Sunday. Last Wednesday and Thursday I also had terrible cramping on my right side. I called the nurse concerned, as I had not experienced this with my other pregnancy. The nurse told me all sounded normal, but if anything got worse to come in. Well, by Thursday the spotting and cramping had subsided. I thought we were free and clear.
Sunday, when I started spotting again, I didn't think too much of it, because the nurse had said many women spot early on in their pregnancies. But. . . . last night when I got ready to go to bed and I went to the bathroom, there was RED blood, not a lot, like I needed a pad or anything, but enough to concern me. I told Dylan and he said I better call the Doctor in the morning. I went to bed crying and worrying and praying. Asking Heavenly Father to let me know what to do. About an hour later I went to the bathroom again and still the same bleeding. I just kept hearing in my head, "Go to the hospital," I felt dumb. I didn't want to wake Dylan up, I didn't want to go to the hospital and have them tell me that I am just a hypochondriac, like the nurse pretty much told me. But I felt that I HAD to go.

So we went at 12:15 a.m. I kept telling Dylan that I was sorry for making him take me. I felt so bad. We were so blessed that Dylan's parents weren't leaving until this morning, so we didn't have to worry about Claire last night, we could just leave.

The ER was great. They got us right in, and I loved the ER doc. Great bedside manner, and matter of factness, that I truly appreciated. He told us that this could be totally normal, or it could be bad and he wouldn't know unless he looked at everything to find out. So he did a pelvic, which looked hopeful. They took blood and urine, and did two ultrasounds. The ultrasounds took forever!!!!

At 3:00 a.m. the Doc came in to tell us that they could not find a baby on the ultrasound and that my hormone level was an 11, when it should be in the 1000's by now. He said there was a small chance that I was just not far enough along to be able to see the baby, but because my hormone level was so low, its more than likely that I have miscarried. He told me to go in and see my Doctor in 2 to 3 days and have another blood test to confirm one way or the other.

Unfortunately, I had had this feeling ever since last week. I even conveyed it to Dylan and we both pushed it off as me just being my usual worrying self. Like I said, I am writing this for me. I need to hear these words. I know this is sad and dramatic for all. I don't want to look like I thrive on this stuff. I don't. It's so sad that the one thing I stayed up worrying about all night, is that I posted that blog yesterday, and how dumb I was going to look now, and how I told the Relief Society and now everyone will know. I feel so stupid. I think getting over my pride has been the hardest part. That shows how selfish I am.

I completely understand that things happen for a reason, and that this is part of Heavenly Father's plan, I can accept that. The part I can't accept is having to face the world. I care more about saving face, than a baby!!! Sick and wrong. So here I am facing the world. Mom you always told me to eat my frogs first. I got the hard stuff done, now I'm going back to living my life and taking a few days to just hold and love the daughter that I have, and the WODNERFUL husband I have been blessed with. I never give my husband enough credit, but he truly is my rock, the man makes me stronger.

Thank You for all your love and support and from this point forward, I choose to use just a little more discretion in my life. Next time it might save me just a little heartache. Love You All!!


kira lee said...

i love you and am praying for you!

Janette said...

I have a quote on my desk that says:

'FRIENDS are a reflection of ourselves, with them we share our hopes, dreams, and joys' ... and I'll add 'sorrows'. Girl, this is what friends are for! I'm so sorry that you are going through this, but I'm thankful to know about it. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help!!

Ryann said...

I am so sorry that this happened to you. But I don't think that you need to be eating any frogs. I for one, think it is great that you are telling everyone. That way your friends and RS have a great opportunity to bring you dinner, and ice cream, and cookies! Your friends can come over and be with you, give you hugs, or just cry. But they are there! Right beside you. You will not be alone.

And you are incredibly brave. You will be in my prayers.

Haley said...

I am so sorry. I am totally hurting for you. You do have an amazing daughter and she has a pretty awesome mom. Take care of yourself. And know that you are loved, and heavenly father feels your pain.

brianne said...

So sorry, Sarah. There's definitely no reason to feel dumb about anything though. After all you've been through, how could you not share your news, no matter what was to come? We're all here for you, happy times or sad. It's good for you to let it all out, and the fact that you do is one of the reasons we all love you! Take care.

Eliza said...


I'm sorry you have to go through this. One of my greatest fears in life was that I wouldn't be able to bear children or that I would experience a miscarriage. Gratefully, Peter is proof that the first fear is without merit... but the latter, I can't say the same. I am a 2-month-1-week-5-days post-miscarriage survivor.

Know that some days will be harder than others and that it is okay to feel sad, alright, mad, jealous, confused, etc.

Also know that with God all things are possible, even enduring pain and heartache.

You are still in my prayers and I know that Heavenly Father will send angels to comfort you!!

p.s. I think you're an incredible woman for being able to be so open and honest to the world about your feelings and experiences!!

Chella said...

I'm crying for you/with you! I hope you will call me if there is anyway that I could possibly help you. I am definately keeping you in my prayers!

And, most importantly, don't waste your time or energy worrying about what anyone things about you! I'm sure everyone will agree that we all want to be there for you, through the good and even the bad! Soooo very sorry, Sarah. I Love ya!

My name is Andrea said...

Ditto to all...just KNOW that you are being thought of, prayed for and most of all loved. You are very brave, and as friends, we share your sorrow as well as happiness. I love ya!

Janie said...

“Tears are words the heart can't express”
Whatever you need, whenever you need it - just say the word. In the meantime I will continue to be praying for you and continue to be amazed by your strength.

Practically Perfect In Every Way said...

oh sarah, i am wiping tears for you as i type.

isn't your reaction to this unexpected? i'm glad that you can have the support of your friends, and that you are the only one worried about "the drama". because honestly, no one else sees it that way.

our hearts go out to you and dylan as well as our prayers.

luke & misty meldrum family said...

Please don't feel dumb!!! I totally understand. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Please let me know if I can do anything for you. Mist

Denae said...

I am so sorry for your loss. My friend found you somehow and told me to come read your blog because I've had some miscarriages myself. Having been through it, I know I should have the right things to say but I still don't! Everyone feels differently after a trial like this. It takes awhile to get better. I hope you do soon!

cynthi said...

I, like you told the RS (which means the whole ward knew) a few weeks before I miscarried. Going back to church was aggony for months as people kept congratulating me on the baby. But when I told them what happened, I was surprised at how many women I knew had miscarried (some several times). It's not that uncommon (which doesn't make it any easier to deal with), but knowing I had so many "sisters" praying for me and understanding my pain did. It is a terribly hard trial, but like they say it truely does make you stronger. You are in my prayers, Sarah