I don't know where to begin. I feel very foolish, but like Jannette keeps telling me, blogging is cheaper than therapy. Which is so true. So here goes! This is for me more than anything. Last week I went on blogging sabbatical, because I was so excited that we were pregnant I just couldn't handle it, but Dylan didn't want me to blog about it until we had told his parents. So being the blabbermouth that I am I just knew that blogging was out of the question for the week. Grandma and Grandpa came and visited this weekend and we got to tell them. So, finally yesterday, I could post, but maybe I should have waited.
Last night we spent the night in the ER. I had had light spotting last week for a day and a half, and then it started up again on Sunday. Last Wednesday and Thursday I also had terrible cramping on my right side. I called the nurse concerned, as I had not experienced this with my other pregnancy. The nurse told me all sounded normal, but if anything got worse to come in. Well, by Thursday the spotting and cramping had subsided. I thought we were free and clear.
Sunday, when I started spotting again, I didn't think too much of it, because the nurse had said many women spot early on in their pregnancies. But. . . . last night when I got ready to go to bed and I went to the bathroom, there was RED blood, not a lot, like I needed a pad or anything, but enough to concern me. I told Dylan and he said I better call the Doctor in the morning. I went to bed crying and worrying and praying. Asking Heavenly Father to let me know what to do. About an hour later I went to the bathroom again and still the same bleeding. I just kept hearing in my head, "Go to the hospital," I felt dumb. I didn't want to wake Dylan up, I didn't want to go to the hospital and have them tell me that I am just a hypochondriac, like the nurse pretty much told me. But I felt that I HAD to go.
So we went at 12:15 a.m. I kept telling Dylan that I was sorry for making him take me. I felt so bad. We were so blessed that Dylan's parents weren't leaving until this morning, so we didn't have to worry about Claire last night, we could just leave.
The ER was great. They got us right in, and I loved the ER doc. Great bedside manner, and matter of factness, that I truly appreciated. He told us that this could be totally normal, or it could be bad and he wouldn't know unless he looked at everything to find out. So he did a pelvic, which looked hopeful. They took blood and urine, and did two ultrasounds. The ultrasounds took forever!!!!
At 3:00 a.m. the Doc came in to tell us that they could not find a baby on the ultrasound and that my hormone level was an 11, when it should be in the 1000's by now. He said there was a small chance that I was just not far enough along to be able to see the baby, but because my hormone level was so low, its more than likely that I have miscarried. He told me to go in and see my Doctor in 2 to 3 days and have another blood test to confirm one way or the other.
Unfortunately, I had had this feeling ever since last week. I even conveyed it to Dylan and we both pushed it off as me just being my usual worrying self. Like I said, I am writing this for me. I need to hear these words. I know this is sad and dramatic for all. I don't want to look like I thrive on this stuff. I don't. It's so sad that the one thing I stayed up worrying about all night, is that I posted that blog yesterday, and how dumb I was going to look now, and how I told the Relief Society and now everyone will know. I feel so stupid. I think getting over my pride has been the hardest part. That shows how selfish I am.
I completely understand that things happen for a reason, and that this is part of Heavenly Father's plan, I can accept that. The part I can't accept is having to face the world. I care more about saving face, than a baby!!! Sick and wrong. So here I am facing the world. Mom you always told me to eat my frogs first. I got the hard stuff done, now I'm going back to living my life and taking a few days to just hold and love the daughter that I have, and the WODNERFUL husband I have been blessed with. I never give my husband enough credit, but he truly is my rock, the man makes me stronger.
Thank You for all your love and support and from this point forward, I choose to use just a little more discretion in my life. Next time it might save me just a little heartache. Love You All!!
11 hours ago