Warning: This blog is still in the weird, probably needs psychiatric help phase. Don't take anything I say too seriously. I really do know why we have to be so different, please humor me. I need some humor. What are these crazy emotions that have been surging through my body for the last few days??? And where are they coming from? The night that we spent in the ER my husband was perfect, he said the right things, he did the right things, he knew exactly what I needed. Now its like we are aliens that don't even speak the same language. Why?
Last night when he got home I blew up at him and wouldn't talk to him, and then I was mad that he wouldn't talk to me. I am definately not in my right mind. So this morning I woke up and asked if we could just talk, because we really haven't since 3:30 a.m. Tuesday morning. Of course the inevitable happened. Those words every woman dreads, but she brings on herself, "So what do you want to talk about." Oh, I don't know honey, maybe the flowers growing in the garden, or the tire on your car looks a little low, but definately not the crisis I have been living with for the last three days.
So after I calmly (yeah right) explain what I would love to discuss with him, he says, "You know how I am, if its something I can't do anything about I forget it and move on. Thats just me." Of course I read into that, "Sarah you should be the same way, its just easier." Why do I feel like I am beating my head against a brick wall? Where's the honey, I completely understand, and let me clear my own dishes after dinner. If you need to cry its okay, I'll take the day off so you can cry on my shoulder.
Sorry, that's my selfish make believe world I have been wanting to live in. Men are so task oriented, I wish that I could just push these emotions away and move on with life. Instead I am sitting here replaying everything that could have been different, hypothesizing over things that really are not in my control, being angry and bitter, and probably experiencing every conciveable thought, feeling or emotion.
Yesterday, while talking to my mother on the phone, she made a small comment that I know she did not intend to be mean, but I seriously obessed about it all day and went so far as going and getting all my hair chopped off(seriously all of it) because I thought I would feel better, like I had a new life or something. Chopping your hair off when your 28 years old does not do anything to get back at your mother. We don't even live in the same state, why would she care. I didn't work, obviously no logic in my thinking. I was still upset about the comment when I went to bed last night.
Okay, maybe this post isn't about why men and women are so different, it just about me being screwed up right now. I am moving on, it's just at a slower pace than Dylan. I left the house yesterday. I have plans to do the same today. I know as with any trial that I have faced that I just take more time to get over things.
Giving Dylan some credit, the poor dude has been put through the wringer this week. From pulling an all nighter with me Monday night and then having to go to the store Tuesday, because no one else was going to be there, and then as he was walking out the door to come home last night he got a call from the security place for the Austin store, someone hadn't locked the door and the alarm was going off. He couldn't locate the manager and finally found one of the other employees, then the bad news came. The store manager in Austin had had a grand mal seizure the night before and because of it was in a coma and they are not sure he is going to make it. So here Dylan is wondering how he is going to run the store in Austin, and worrying about how his good friend who has a wife and kids might die, and he comes home to a freakshow. That's why men have to be different, they have to compartmentalize. I am glad they do. Otherwise it would be two freakshows in the house, poor Claire.
Okay, enough crazy for one day.
I have a little sanity left and if you happen to see a crazy lady running around Walmart today, you'll know its just me. :)
1 hour ago