Thursday, February 21, 2008

Why Do We Have To Be So Different?

Warning: This blog is still in the weird, probably needs psychiatric help phase. Don't take anything I say too seriously. I really do know why we have to be so different, please humor me. I need some humor. What are these crazy emotions that have been surging through my body for the last few days??? And where are they coming from? The night that we spent in the ER my husband was perfect, he said the right things, he did the right things, he knew exactly what I needed. Now its like we are aliens that don't even speak the same language. Why?

Last night when he got home I blew up at him and wouldn't talk to him, and then I was mad that he wouldn't talk to me. I am definately not in my right mind. So this morning I woke up and asked if we could just talk, because we really haven't since 3:30 a.m. Tuesday morning. Of course the inevitable happened. Those words every woman dreads, but she brings on herself, "So what do you want to talk about." Oh, I don't know honey, maybe the flowers growing in the garden, or the tire on your car looks a little low, but definately not the crisis I have been living with for the last three days.

So after I calmly (yeah right) explain what I would love to discuss with him, he says, "You know how I am, if its something I can't do anything about I forget it and move on. Thats just me." Of course I read into that, "Sarah you should be the same way, its just easier." Why do I feel like I am beating my head against a brick wall? Where's the honey, I completely understand, and let me clear my own dishes after dinner. If you need to cry its okay, I'll take the day off so you can cry on my shoulder.

Sorry, that's my selfish make believe world I have been wanting to live in. Men are so task oriented, I wish that I could just push these emotions away and move on with life. Instead I am sitting here replaying everything that could have been different, hypothesizing over things that really are not in my control, being angry and bitter, and probably experiencing every conciveable thought, feeling or emotion.

Yesterday, while talking to my mother on the phone, she made a small comment that I know she did not intend to be mean, but I seriously obessed about it all day and went so far as going and getting all my hair chopped off(seriously all of it) because I thought I would feel better, like I had a new life or something. Chopping your hair off when your 28 years old does not do anything to get back at your mother. We don't even live in the same state, why would she care. I didn't work, obviously no logic in my thinking. I was still upset about the comment when I went to bed last night.

Okay, maybe this post isn't about why men and women are so different, it just about me being screwed up right now. I am moving on, it's just at a slower pace than Dylan. I left the house yesterday. I have plans to do the same today. I know as with any trial that I have faced that I just take more time to get over things.

Giving Dylan some credit, the poor dude has been put through the wringer this week. From pulling an all nighter with me Monday night and then having to go to the store Tuesday, because no one else was going to be there, and then as he was walking out the door to come home last night he got a call from the security place for the Austin store, someone hadn't locked the door and the alarm was going off. He couldn't locate the manager and finally found one of the other employees, then the bad news came. The store manager in Austin had had a grand mal seizure the night before and because of it was in a coma and they are not sure he is going to make it. So here Dylan is wondering how he is going to run the store in Austin, and worrying about how his good friend who has a wife and kids might die, and he comes home to a freakshow. That's why men have to be different, they have to compartmentalize. I am glad they do. Otherwise it would be two freakshows in the house, poor Claire.

Okay, enough crazy for one day.

I have a little sanity left and if you happen to see a crazy lady running around Walmart today, you'll know its just me. :)


Eliza said...

{{{more hugs}}}

Yes, husbands definitely deal with miscarriages differently than wives do.

My husband didn't really talk about it much afterwards. Whereas it totally consumed me. Then I found myself getting angry at him because I thought if he didn't talk about it then that meant it didn't hurt him like it did me. Finally one day he said to me... "It makes me sad but I feel like if I talk about it, it'll just make you more sad and I don't want you to be sad".

Do know (and it sounds like you do deep down) that your great hubby is suffering from the loss of the pregnancy too. You're right, women do deal with this sort of thing differently. But at the same time it IS different for us. I was in love with that little growing baby inside of me from the second I found out I was pregnant. It was a part of me (even if it was only for 6 1/2 weeks). Guys don't get to experience that so personally until it's much more apparent physically with their wives that there's a baby growing inside.

Like I said before, it is totally sane to feel the crazy range of emotions. I didn't know how I was going to make it through that first week but I did.

Love you! And always praying and thinking of you!!

kira lee said...

i thought you might like this:

this lady is lds and has a really fun blog..she is finally pregnant after trying forever. she has a really good post today about enduring trials.

Janette said...

Dude, we need to go to lunch. It won't fix anything, I just realized that.

My sister lost a baby a year ago ... she was 29 weeks along and he only lived for a couple minutes ... I'm sure you've heard the story. Anyway, she is still recovering from her loss and her husband seemed to pick up and move on with life a couple weeks after the funeral. We are moms. It's like the one thing that we come knowing how to do. So, it's like asking the impossible when we're given trials like this ... I'm so sorry you're going through this. Dylan will always forgive you. Maybe write him a note when you're in a 'good' mood and then when you know that you're being 'irrational' ... give it to him. ? I don't know.

I do know that doctors have said that when women miscarry, they are still 'blessed' with all the range of horomones as if they'd given birth ... for what it's worth, I was psychotic after I had Ryan. I'll be praying for you. Call me if you want to talk. Hang in there!



MissLissa said...

I'm here for you Sarah. I can totally relate. I found that talking to other women who had had a miscarriage was more helpful than talking about it with my husband (he didn't want to talk about it). If you need to talk, you can call me anytime. ~ Melissa

My name is Andrea said...

Sarah, my Sarah. I have so much to say to you. You are not crazy. You are a mother.

Practically Perfect In Every Way said...

two words: men are from mars, women are from venus. read it. (ok more than 2 words but you get the point) men really are from another planet but it really does work in the long run.

you both have to deal with this loss in your own ways. it's no one's fault.

Chella said...

Love this quote...
“If He brings you to it, He can bring you through it.”

Your angel had a bigger purpose!

Janie said...

I say if he is task oriented just give him a list: tonight I need you to 1. rub my back 2. let me cry about it with you 3. talk to me - sometimes its so hard to know what to do its easier to just not. It is a hard and confusing time - you're not going crazy - you're going through it.