Tuesday, July 29, 2008

I Don't Want To Jinx Myself, But . . .

I need to let it out. I have been overweight eight of the nine years we have been married. I'm not exaggerating either.
* Many factors have played a roll in this weight gain, it mostly started with me working evenings and us eating out late ALL the time and adjusting to married life.

*Our second year of marriage we faced a SERIOUS crisis-- that would change my life as I know it-- and send me into a emotional tailspin and I would see myself reach 200 lbs.

*Year three I graduated from college-- you can imagine what that last year of school was like, more stress on top of my already stressful life and no exercise-- except for walking to work in freezing cold REXBURG.

*Year four, first year teaching, first house, and pregnant FINALLY. I can honestly say that when I was pregnant, my body felt great and I truly felt the healthiest I had in a LONG time.
When all was said and done I gained 10 lbs during my pregnancy. I was definitely happy to let Claire feed off my body. After giving birth I lost another 10 lbs. But within months all the weight was back. I was back working and commuting and being a new mom.

*Year five and I was over 200 lbs, still commuting and YW President--more stress.

*Year six we decide to become somewhat self-employed and move to Texas-- away from ALL of my family. My first six months were brutal.

*Year seven I find out I have hypothyroidism (that would explain my tiredness, among other things) and high cholesterol. I also start Clomid to see if we can get pregnant with help for the first time. The high cholesterol scared me to death and I worked my but off, (not to mention the thyroid medicine made me feel good for the first time in a long time.) I lost five pounds and got my cholesterol down to healthy levels. Then once again life happens,Thanksgiving, Christmas, miscarriage #1.

*8th anniversary and I am up to 219 :D Yea for me!!!! That's more than 9lbs a year. Not to mention that for the last eight years I have done nothing but worry about getting pregnant.

So, when June rolled around and I faced the seriousness of my ectopic pregnancy and the Dr. telling us we should wait awhile to get pregnant, I made a decision. It may seem selfish, but I feel that things have gotten so out of control with myself, I need motivation and I have tried everything within my power. The day before my six week check-up on July 14th I weighed 217 lbs.

I visited with the Dr. I cried, she said we should wait at least two more months physically to get pregnant. I felt emotionally I needed to wait longer.

Then it hit me-- I told her that I have spent the last eight years in "getting pregnant mode" and I want to focus on me "being healthy mode" and feeling good about myself. I had enjoyed the six weeks of not worrying if I was going to get pregnant and I wanted more of that.

I expressed my concern over my weight. She talked about Weight Watchers, eating healthy, and exercising. We talked about my success in these areas, or lack thereof. She and I discussed weight loss medication-- using it as a jump start for a few month to get control of my eating. I asked about side effects. There were some, but nothing life threatening or hard to live with.

So I did it. I've been doing it. It goes against everything I feel is right. I just felt I had no other options-- no support at home and no will power.

I'm not claiming this to be the end all be all and its definitely not for everyone. I've only been taking it for two weeks, so I can't be sure how great the results are. So far I am impressed, and I am figuring out how much my body really needs and what kinds of food it needs. Like I said, I have never been a proponent for weight loss medication, and I do feel somewhat hypocritical.

When I decided I was going to do this I also decided that I was going to do it the right way. I was going to do all that was in my power too, and not just let the "drug" do the work. I have been walking regularly, and exercising on my own. I have been keeping a food journal and setting goals and drinking plenty of water.

I know you're asking yourself, where I am at in all of this. Well, the day before the Dr. I was 217 and today I stepped on the scale and I was 207. I have this sense of "I can do this" instead of all the negative self talk that was going on before. The first week I lost 7lbs-- the medication made me feel weird and it seriously took some adjusting. Last week went well, and things leveled off at 2lbs. This week has felt like last week and I feel like I'm getting the hang of things.

Why am I posting this, the longest post of the year???? Why am I sharing the history of my weight gain??? For one, I need to process it. Sharing with the world might not be the best way to process it, but I feel I have found sister's out there who have shared in my sorrow and I would now like them to share in what I feel is my success. I am finding Sarah-- she has been buried for YEARS-- under stress, guilt, and inadequacy, numbed with food. I am now taking control. I learning to let go and embrace myself. I know I won't weight what I did when I got married. I'm okay with that, I just want to be healthy, and have energy and enjoy life and live it-- and most important I want to teach my daughter to do the same.

12 comments:

Bethanne said...

That is so exciting! I have a hyperactive thyroid (so they think) and yet I can't lose weight if my life depends on it. I can exercise 4 days a week, cut down on my portions and while my size will look different, the scale WILL not change. And while my shape change should be good enough, it is more frustrating than anything! Good for you though. My weight increase since Leah's pregnancy has been a huge factor in my overall image problem (unfortunately) and it is one of my ultimate personal struggles...

Chella said...

I have had some of the same weight struggles and I too am at a breaking point. I really need to drop some lb's. I am so far off from what I was when I got married it's just plain gross. I lost 15 pounds the first of the year which took me 4 months. And so much less time to put it all back on and a few extra. Soooo depressing. I am so glad you are doing good and losing some weight. Keep up the good work. I know you can do it and you deserve it!!

Ryann said...

I commend you on your efforts! I hope that this continues and more importantly -that you feel better about yourself! Keep it up!

Haley said...

Yea! I am SOOO proud of you my lady. Serioulsy sometimes you just need a little kick in the ol britches to get things moving. I know it has totally worked for me. You are awesome and By the end of this week I will be "on my own" with working out to, so lets be on our own together! Yea for us. Shedding the LBs.

My name is Andrea said...

congrats sarah! you are such a wonderful person, inside and out. i know how much worrying about things has an effect on you.time to take care of you (remember, on an airplane, they remind you to secure your own oxygen mask before helping others!) i'm here to support you! way to go!

Janette said...

You won't jinx yourself because I know how badly you want it!! Let's start walking ... I gained 6 pounds last month. Blah.

Amber Hooten said...

Way to go Sarah! I am so happy for you! You will be looking like one sexy mama in no time!

shahna said...

Good for you.I am cheering you on from the stands. I will tell you one thing i have learned over the past few years working out...Cardio is great and really important but weight training is what REALLY boosts your metabolism so if you have a thyroid issue that might be something to focus on. I love how I feel STRONGER after lifting weights (physically and in a weird way emotionally too.) Haley girl is a weight lifter too so you can ask her about her 2 cents on that one. I think you are absolutely beautiful and I like you no matter what you weigh. I am cheering for you!

Williams Family said...

Thanks for sharing this new step in your life with us. I will be cheering you on from the sidelines and hoping to join you on the weight loss wagon. Good job on the initial weight loss. I am sure you will keep it up!

Jessica said...

My last babe really took a toll on my body, so I am doing the same. Good for you. The hardest part for me was to feel good about myself where I am now and how I am improving things for the future.

At Home Redesigns said...

I think taking care of yourself is so important (not that I do it all that well myself). You should feel proud of yourself and not one bit guilty.

cynthi said...

Sarah, you are amazing. You're always so humble (and even self-critical), but I've always looked up to you.