I Don't Want To Jinx Myself, But . . .

I need to let it out. I have been overweight eight of the nine years we have been married. I'm not exaggerating either.
* Many factors have played a roll in this weight gain, it mostly started with me working evenings and us eating out late ALL the time and adjusting to married life.

*Our second year of marriage we faced a SERIOUS crisis-- that would change my life as I know it-- and send me into a emotional tailspin and I would see myself reach 200 lbs.

*Year three I graduated from college-- you can imagine what that last year of school was like, more stress on top of my already stressful life and no exercise-- except for walking to work in freezing cold REXBURG.

*Year four, first year teaching, first house, and pregnant FINALLY. I can honestly say that when I was pregnant, my body felt great and I truly felt the healthiest I had in a LONG time.
When all was said and done I gained 10 lbs during my pregnancy. I was definitely happy to let Claire feed off my body. After giving birth I lost another 10 lbs. But within months all the weight was back. I was back working and commuting and being a new mom.

*Year five and I was over 200 lbs, still commuting and YW President--more stress.

*Year six we decide to become somewhat self-employed and move to Texas-- away from ALL of my family. My first six months were brutal.

*Year seven I find out I have hypothyroidism (that would explain my tiredness, among other things) and high cholesterol. I also start Clomid to see if we can get pregnant with help for the first time. The high cholesterol scared me to death and I worked my but off, (not to mention the thyroid medicine made me feel good for the first time in a long time.) I lost five pounds and got my cholesterol down to healthy levels. Then once again life happens,Thanksgiving, Christmas, miscarriage #1.

*8th anniversary and I am up to 219 :D Yea for me!!!! That's more than 9lbs a year. Not to mention that for the last eight years I have done nothing but worry about getting pregnant.

So, when June rolled around and I faced the seriousness of my ectopic pregnancy and the Dr. telling us we should wait awhile to get pregnant, I made a decision. It may seem selfish, but I feel that things have gotten so out of control with myself, I need motivation and I have tried everything within my power. The day before my six week check-up on July 14th I weighed 217 lbs.

I visited with the Dr. I cried, she said we should wait at least two more months physically to get pregnant. I felt emotionally I needed to wait longer.

Then it hit me-- I told her that I have spent the last eight years in "getting pregnant mode" and I want to focus on me "being healthy mode" and feeling good about myself. I had enjoyed the six weeks of not worrying if I was going to get pregnant and I wanted more of that.

I expressed my concern over my weight. She talked about Weight Watchers, eating healthy, and exercising. We talked about my success in these areas, or lack thereof. She and I discussed weight loss medication-- using it as a jump start for a few month to get control of my eating. I asked about side effects. There were some, but nothing life threatening or hard to live with.

So I did it. I've been doing it. It goes against everything I feel is right. I just felt I had no other options-- no support at home and no will power.

I'm not claiming this to be the end all be all and its definitely not for everyone. I've only been taking it for two weeks, so I can't be sure how great the results are. So far I am impressed, and I am figuring out how much my body really needs and what kinds of food it needs. Like I said, I have never been a proponent for weight loss medication, and I do feel somewhat hypocritical.

When I decided I was going to do this I also decided that I was going to do it the right way. I was going to do all that was in my power too, and not just let the "drug" do the work. I have been walking regularly, and exercising on my own. I have been keeping a food journal and setting goals and drinking plenty of water.

I know you're asking yourself, where I am at in all of this. Well, the day before the Dr. I was 217 and today I stepped on the scale and I was 207. I have this sense of "I can do this" instead of all the negative self talk that was going on before. The first week I lost 7lbs-- the medication made me feel weird and it seriously took some adjusting. Last week went well, and things leveled off at 2lbs. This week has felt like last week and I feel like I'm getting the hang of things.

Why am I posting this, the longest post of the year???? Why am I sharing the history of my weight gain??? For one, I need to process it. Sharing with the world might not be the best way to process it, but I feel I have found sister's out there who have shared in my sorrow and I would now like them to share in what I feel is my success. I am finding Sarah-- she has been buried for YEARS-- under stress, guilt, and inadequacy, numbed with food. I am now taking control. I learning to let go and embrace myself. I know I won't weight what I did when I got married. I'm okay with that, I just want to be healthy, and have energy and enjoy life and live it-- and most important I want to teach my daughter to do the same.